مدونة اسلوب | Eslob Blog

At Our Bodies Our Blog: FDA Announces New Program to Study Effect of Prescription Drugs in Pregnancy

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:24:16 +0000

At Our Bodies Our Blog today, I have a post on the FDA’s newly announced program to study the effects of prescription drugs used in pregnancy, a bit about the agency’s previously proposed rule change to make labeling of drugs more clear as to pregnancy effects, and links to some additional resources on prescription and OTC drugs in pregnancy and breastfeeding.

Posted in Breastfeeding, Drugs, Government, Health Research, Pregnancy, Women’s Health

Weekly News Round-Up, 1/3

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:24:12 +0000

A fairly short edition for the last day of my vacation…sigh.

At Your Cervix asks why some women giving birth “are complacent and let ‘us’ do whatever we feel is best” in Apathy vs Making Waves.

If you have a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking, the American Cancer Society has some tips to help you.

Montana just became the 3rd state to allow physician-assisted suicide.

Pam’s House Blend has a list of Top 10 LGBT Stories of 2009.

Penny Red has a new installment of the Carnival of Feminists.

The FDA announced the Medication Exposure in Pregnancy Risk Evaluation Program to study the effects of prescription medications used during pregnancy.

I left comments about information literacy on posts about “threats to science and medicine” and the reaction to the new mammography recommendations.

RH Reality Check has Top Ten Wins for Women’s Health and Rights in 2009, international style.

I just finished reading “My Own Country” by Abraham Verghese, on his work as an infectious diseases specialist in Johnson City, TN in the early years of AIDS. Not a new book, but it was fascinating read for me as my hometown – Morristown, TN – is pretty close to Johnson City and is repeatedly mentioned in the book as relevant to one of the people Verghese followed.

Posted in Birth, Boobs, Drugs, HIV/AIDS, Libraryland, Pregnancy

Ten Years in Women’s and Reproductive Health, a Bloggy Look Back

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:24:08 +0000

What with the new year and decade and all, it seems appropriate to engage in a bit of reflection. First, the blog itself. This year will mark the 5th anniversary of Women’s Health News – I first posted on May 19, 2005, although that was at the blogspot location. While this little blog is not among what most people would name as the top medical or top feminist blogs, I don’t worry too much about traffic, or increasing traffic, so long as at least a a few people are finding it useful and I’m not too overworked to deal with it. So, I expect to continue on for a bit longer. Will it make it to the decade mark? Who knows. I do sometimes find the lack of comments discouraging, but it is what it is. If there is anything you’d like to see covered more often, or less often, or more in depth, please let me know and I can try to do that – as a medical librarian, I have access to a lot of resources most “regular” people don’t which I can tap into for information.

For me personally, ten years ago I was still a semester away from finishing my undergrad degree. I did not yet know I would become a librarian, but was working in – you guessed it – a library. I didn’t have a job yet, and wasn’t sure what I was going to do next. I had already met the now-spouse. Both of my grandmothers were still alive. I was having symptoms of thyroid problems that were going unrecognized, and had already been told by at least one practitioner that I was just too stressed out (which might have been true, but wasn’t exactly the problem). The following years would be very frustrating regarding my thyroid problems and further encourage my interest in health and patient advocacy issues. I had just recently taken the “menstrual health and politics” exco course which was my first exposure to Our Bodies, Ourselves and really my first inspiration to learn much more about some of the issues discussed here. I also had just started or was close to starting to use a Keeper and have been a reusable menstrual product devotee ever since.

Now, some highlights from the decade in women’s health (heavily biased to the past 5 years and with past related posts on the topics)…

Ten years ago, emergency contraception had just recently been approved by the FDA, and you were more likely to need to go to a doctor who was willing to prescribe or give something out of a sample closet, and were probably more likely to get regular oral contraceptive pills and instructions on how to take the right number at the right time than you were to get a prepackaged EC pill(s). None of this OTC at the pharmacy business, which was a long fought battle; a review of the FDA’s history on the approval reveals political funny business, and the Director of the agency’s Office of Women’s Health resigned over the process and delays.

The Women’s Health Initiative study on estrogen+progestin hormone replacement therapy was halted because the overall risks (including cardiovascular risks, which it had been thought the drugs might protect against) were determined to outweigh the benefits, marking a huge change in hormone replacement therapy for menopausal women.

The global gag rule – preventing U.S. funds from going to overseas agencies which talked about abortion (even if they didn’t actually perform them) was in place for most of the decade, reinstated by Bush II in 2001 and rescinded by Obama in 2009. Here, this manifested in lots of discussion about a federally-funded database that started restricting access to abortion-related citations.

The decade was pretty blissfully free of murders of abortion providers, after a run of them in the 1990s, until Dr. Tiller’s murder this past year.

Hello ~~Birmingham~~ Wichita – Words From A Blogger Who Still Isn’t Sure What To Say

The “partial birth abortion ban” of 2003 was passed, and then upheld by the Supreme Court in 2007. It was always more to do with politics than with medicine or procedural knowledge.

The first HPV vaccine was approved. I thought some of the fear-mongering around the vaccine was completely overblown. Predictably, the approval turned into a social issue debate in which people argued that an HPV vaccine would turn little angels into sluts, that HPV didn’t infect “good” girls. I thought requirements for the vaccine for school-age girls weren’t necessarily so bad if there were generous opt-out provisions and it meant that the vaccine would be covered for folks who couldn’t otherwise afford it. However, Merck’s lobbying efforts behind some of those decisions to make it mandatory were unseemly, especially when the mandates didn’t come with clear information about those efforts a (more on Merck’s marketing). I absolutely opposed forcing it on immigrants with no opt-out procedures; thankfully the CDC reversed that requirement.

In September 2000, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a medical abortion drug, Mifeprex, to be marketed in the United States as an alternative to surgical abortion. Here, we talked about the drug when a couple of deaths provided an opening to anti-choice folks to try to get it pulled:

There was all manner of drama about the “conscience” rule (too many posts to list individually).

Our Bodies Ourselves started a blog. And then invited me to contribute (I’m still honored).

Meanwhile, the c-section rate continued to climb, and any number of other issues of import were raised which I haven’t covered in this post. What would you add to a list of important developments of the decade?

Posted in Abortion, Abuse, Rape, & Safety, Access, Rights, & Choice, Adolescent Health, Contraception, Drugs, Ethics, Events & Observances, Government, HPV, News Round-Ups

Video – A Girl’s Life

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:24:05 +0000

I just watched “A Girl’s Life” on PBS – it’s not specifically health-focused, but does examine issues of body image, bullying, violence, and education through profiles of four adolescent girls. It was very good and is well worth a watch, even for those without daughters.

Video on the PBS site
Info about the program at show host Rachel Simmons’s website
Associated PBS site for parents on raising girls

Posted in Abuse, Rape, & Safety, Access, Rights, & Choice, Adolescent Health, Body Image & Eating Disorders

Reminder: Public Commenting on Healthy People 2020 Objectives Closes Tomorrow (Dec 31, 2009)

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:24:01 +0000

As explained in this Our Bodies Our Blog post:

Healthy People is a program of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that sets health objectives for the nation for a ten-year period. The current set of objectives is referred to as Healthy People 2010, but as 2010 is fast approaching, the department is considering a new set of health priorities to target through 2020.

Public comments on the proposed objectives are being accepted through tomorrow, December 31, 2009; go here to comment online (anonymously or with a registered profile). See the OBOS blog post for some areas for potential priorities that I thought would be of interest.

Posted in Government, Health

When It Comes To Condoms…Don’t Listen to Asher Roth

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:57 +0000

I’m probably the last person in America to hear that Asher Roth song, “I Love College,” which I had the misfortune to hear while traveling through an area with limited radio choices over the holidays. The basic premise of the song is that college is all about drinking and weed and naked girls and so college is therefore awesome.

It includes one very erroneous line, in a section of the song presenting “rules” for said awesome! college experience:

“When it comes to condoms put two on“

Now, normally such trite song lyrics would be just too inane to mention. But then I remembered a story a fellow librarian posted to Facebook recently, which ticked off some completely incorrect beliefs about sex and contraception that people hold. It says:

“28 percent of men incorrectly believe they will get extra protection from wearing two condoms at once, a practice that actually leads to condom breakage.“

Because more than a quarter of men seem to actually believe the same nonsense as in the Roth song, it seemed worth mentioning. More erroneous beliefs from the survey (such as the 18% of men who believed having sex standing up prevents pregnancy *headdesk*) are available from the source, The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.

Repeat after me: one condom at a time, not expired, not stored in a wallet, carefully unwrapped and properly applied, with a non-petroleum lube. Use once only, carefully remove, and discard. One at a time!!!! Better rules than Roth’s are here.

Posted in Contraception

One More Note from TLC’s Emergency Level One

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:54 +0000

I mentioned in the recent round-up post that a show had aired on TLC, Emergency Level One, which was shot at the larger workplace and follows Vanderbilt emergency and trauma personnel and cases. I forgot to mention that in between the main, followed cases, one of the ED guys (literally) catches a baby in the hallway, and then says something to the effect of “no offense to ob/gyns, but really all most of ‘em need is catching” [heavily paraphrased, because the video isn't online anywhere].

The episode was “Moms in Danger” (it features two pregnant women who come in after a car crash), and it looks like it airs again on New Year’s Eve.

Posted in Birth

Weekly News Round-Up, Post-Holiday Edition

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:51 +0000

Whew. For Christmas this year, we went to Morristown, Kingsport, and New Market, TN, and that was only immediate family – we had to miss the aunts and uncles and cousins and whatnot because there wasn’t enough time. Saw my parents and the spouse’s parents and BiL/SiL/nephew. I twisted my ankle and then ignored sensible advice to stay off it for a bit. Watched Half-Blood Prince with my parents. Listened to this Johnny Cash: Live at San Quentin radio show. Ate a ridiculous amount of food. Came home to see that another big branch fell off the tree in the front yard, and hope it didn’t cause any trouble for the neighbors – there’s no note, so I assume it didn’t…sometimes I’m pretty sure we’re the bad neighbors on the block.

Some things from the interim:

The Nashville, TN government was going to put a WIC health clinic in an underused local mall. “Area residents” “expressed concerns” – so no clinic there. “Antioch homeowner and plan opponent Patricia Karl” said “I don’t see a lot of Tommy Hilfiger moving out of Macy’s mall after I’ve been to my breast feeding class, dragging my other six kids with me. I’m sorry.” The comments on newspaper sites on this story were predictably a cesspool of not wanting “those” kind of people in the mall. Ugh. Government caved, and the proposed clinic still doesn’t have a location, but the government is working to make sure it’s in the “right spot” (I guess one where nobody who counts has to see any poor people’s children getting help with food).

In “big surprise” news, a study in the journal from the American Academy of Pediatrics says most parents wait too late to talk to their kids about sex. “In a series of surveys with 141 parents and their teen-aged children, researchers found more than 40 percent of children had sexual intercourse before any discussion with their parents about sexually transmitted disease symptoms, condom use, choosing birth control, or what to do if a partner refuses a condom.” I guess not talking about it is not keeping kids from doing it after all. *eyeroll* I also noticed that because of “parent concerns,” the surveyed kids were not asked about masturbation, and girls were not asked about “wet dreams.” [abstract/PDF full text]

Aunt B has some good commentary on infant mortality in Tennessee and BS political grandstanding (and the difference between that and actually helping fix the infant mortality problem).

I saw this TLC show filmed at the larger workplace, Emergency Level 1. It was really cool, but I can’t seem to find video clips from it anywhere to share.

Some posts on the problems of sexuality, disability, women, race, and domestice violence/abuse as portrayed on Glee.

NPR aired a story on Black women and breastfeeding.

The “necessity” defense is not going to be allowed for Scott Roeder in his trial for murdering Dr. Tiller.

Here’s a nother story on that Oklahoma abortion law in which proponents insist that it’s just to collect useful data. As I mentioned in this previous post, it’s already completely possible (and preferable) to collect such data for analysis without posting it all publicly online at the individual level. Anybody who insists otherwise is either way under-informed or lying. Or both! (ha)

Katie Allison Granju is expecting another baby. Oh! And one of my SiLs is in labor right this very minute, which will be niece/nephew #3 for this only child.

Posted in Abortion, Access, Rights, & Choice, Adolescent Health, Birth, Government, News Round-Ups, Pregnancy, Sex & Sex Education

Back Up Your Birth Control This New Year’s Eve – A Message from Granny

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:47 +0000

The video below* is a kind of funny approach to promoting safer sex (and advance planning for said safer sex). It features several women reading text messages aloud, messages that have been erroneously sent by their grandchildren in the midst of New Year’s Eve partying and are often awkward or sexual.

The key point is that it’s easy to accidentally text your grandmother during such celebrations (possibly while inebriated**, I’m guessing), and other things – such as your contraception – can easily go wrong, too. As it notes, condoms break, pills are forgotten, so you should back up your birth control. If you go to the associated website, dontdroptheball.org (from the National Institute for Reproductive Health), it becomes clear that they’re suggesting acquiring emergency contraception ahead of time (over the counter for those 17 and older), so any mishaps can be readily dealt with (find out more about emergency contraception here).

One small quibble: grandma’s texting but has a confused face about “OMG” and “friend requesting?” Give the lady some credit.

*I can transcribe it if anyone would like.
**Which raises another issue of drunkenness and consent, but I’m going to leave that alone for the moment.

Posted in Contraception, Events & Observances

On Morning Edition: Update on Roeder Case and the “Justifiable Homicide” Defense

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:43 +0000

Morning Edition this morning provided an update on the case of Scott Roeder, accused of murdering Dr. George Tiller (summary here, there doesn’t seem to be a transcript).

Roeder pleaded not guilty in the shooting of Dr. Tiller, has admitted killing him, and claims he did it to protect unborn children (who I’d say were under no immediate threat while Dr. Tiller was at church that day). The justifiable homicide defense has apparently not been allowed when it has been attempted in previous cases of this nature. One supporter of the defense is interviewed and compares Roeder’s plea to stepping forward to defend a born child under attack, but the piece notes that Dr. Tiller was not engaged in any illegal activity, creating a distinction between the acts.

The piece also notes that those engaged in civil disobedience are expected to serve the legal consequences, and cites a previous court opinion that “allowing the personal, ethical, moral or religious beliefs of a person to justify criminal activity would not only lead to chaos, but would be tantamount to sanctioning anarchy.” Not being a legal expert, but simply imagining the acts that might be justifiable under such a standard, makes me think there is a whole lot of sense in that statement.

Posted in Abortion, Abuse, Rape, & Safety, Access, Rights, & Choice, Ethics, Laws, Legislation, & Courts

Roasted Delicata Squash with Thyme (a Recipe with Bonus Sports Metaphors!)

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:38 +0000

Today in mah Serious Eats column: Chicken with Citrus Sauce. Mmm … citrus sauce.

My friend S is traveling the world in the coming months, visiting Ghana, China, Brazil, South Africa, and Mauritius (”more-IH-shuhs”), among other stunning locales. While I’ll miss her, there are many excellent things about her trip:

She’s expanding her horizons in ways most people only dream about.
She’ll finally be able to say, “I went to Mauritius, bishes!”
I suspect that somehow, this will bring her one degree closer to Kevin Bacon.
After her immunizations, she will be immune to everything, like cowpox and ennui.
She’s giving me all her groceries.

This weekend, I became proud owner of a tin of smoked cheddar, a pound of pumpkin spice coffee, two packs of Laughing Cow cheese, and four eight-ounce delicata squashes. And everything was free. For a blogger obsessed with healthy, frugal food, this is akin to Luis Gonzalez’ bloop single off Mariano Rivera in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. (In other words: freakin’ fantastic for everyone, but particularly Mets fans.)

Though nothing’s going to waste, I was most excited about the squash. Delicatas, besides being sweet and generally delicious, are also adorable. They possess yellow skin tinged with green stripes, making them look like tiny Green Bay Packers fans. (All they’re missing are cheese hats and Favre jerseys.) And? You can eat that skin. There’s no need to peel or scoop, which separates them from their steel-hided butternut kin. (”Steel-hided” is an awkward word, yes? Enh. We’ll go with it.)

For this recipe, I went with a simple roasting preparation. It’s fast and duh-inducingly easy: a quick oiling and thirty minutes in the hotbox will give you caramelized flavor beyond your semi-wildest dreams. (Assuming that your very-wildest dreams don’t involve vegetables.) If you don’t have thyme hanging around, skip it and stick to salt and pepper. No one will be the wiser.

Alas, S received the squash from her last CSA shipment, and so I have no idea how much they cost. Based on the season, I’m assuming they’re pretty inexpensive right now. Feel free to punch me in the face if I’m wrong, though.

And that’s it. Welcome to 2010, everybody. Hope it’s as wonderful as a trip to Mauritius (bishes).

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also like:

~~~

Roasted Delicata Squash with Thyme
Serves 2.
Adapted from my friend S.

2 small (hand-sized, about 8 or 9 ounces each) delicata squash, washed and dried
2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
1/2 teaspoon fresh thyme
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper to taste

1) Preheat oven to 400°F. Line a cookie sheet with aluminum foil and spray with cooking spray

2) Slice stem ends off each squash. Then, slice each squash in half lengthwise. Scoop the seeds out using a teaspoon. Cut squash into 1/2-inch crescents.

3) In a medium bowl, mix squash, olive oil, thyme, salt, and pepper. Spread in a single layer on prepped cookie sheet. Roast 25-30 minutes, until browned, stirring 2 or 3 times throughout. Serve hot.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
130 calories, 4.5 g fat, 3 g fiber, PRICE VARIES

Calculations
2 small (hand-sized, about 8 or 9 ounces each) delicata squash, washed and dried: 180 calories, 0 fat, 6 g fiber, Unknown
2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil: 79 calories, 8.9 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.08
1/2 teaspoon fresh thyme: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.05
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper to taste: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.03
TOTAL: 259 calories, 8.9 g fat, 6 g fiber
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 130 calories, 4.5 g fat, 3 g fiber, PRICE VARIES

CHG Best of December 2009

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:37 +0000

Apologies for the excessive link compilations, folks. We’ll return to regular blogging on Monday. In the meantime – it’s the best of December 2009. Lots of liveblogging this month, including the Biggest Loser finale and the all-day Food Network marathon, from which the world may never truly recover. And by “the world,” I mean “my lower back.” (Hyuck hyuck hyuck.)

Happy reading, everybody, and thank you for making CHG as joyous as it is.

DECEMBER’S NEW RECIPES
Almond Milk
Chicken Fried Rice
Lighter Baked Ziti
Mushroom Bhaji (Mushrooms in Tomato Onion Sauce)
Red Cabbage with Apples

DECEMBER ARTICLES

We watched Paula, Emeril, Alton, and company for 19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions. Then we blogged about it.

First, we got some practice with The Biggest Loser Season 8 Finale: Livebloggin’.

If you ever wanted to eat healthier without a cookbook, then you might dig Lighten Any Meal: 10 Easy, Inexpensive Steps to Healthier Recipes.

Leigh clued us into faux flesh with Newsflash! Scientists Getting Closer to Lab-grown Meat.

In this month’s Ask the Internet, we answered a wedding beer question, brought up an ethical dilemma concerning bad produce, wondered about unused Christmas food, and suggested family recipes for a vegetarian, a meat-eater, and picky kids.

FOR MORE CHEAP HEALTHY GOODNESS…

1) Have your say!
We love creative comments and thought-provoking discussions. There’s even a fabulous new Ask the Internet column, where readers can write in with various inquiries and/or offer helpful suggestions. Sweet.

2) Spread the word!
Like us? Link to us! Refer us to a bookmarking site! (We have StumbleUpon and Digg buttons now!) Or just talk us up to your mom. That’s nice, too.

3) Behold our social networking!
Subscribe to our feed, join our Facebook page, or check out our Twitter … thing. They’re super fun ways to kill time, minus the soul-crushing frustration of Bejeweled.

4) Buy from our Amazon Store!
If you click on the Amazon widget (lower left hand corner) and buy anything from Amazon (not just what we’re advertising on CHG), we get a small commission. And that’s always nice. P.S. Thank you to EVERYONE who so generously bought for Christmas. It was much appreciated.

5) Remember: it’s “supposedly,” not “supposubly.”
With your help, we can stop this terrible affliction in the new year. Happy 2010!

Ask the Internet: Unused Christmas Food Gifts – What to do?

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:36 +0000

This week’s Ask the Internet question comes from right here at home, and addresses an issue many of us might be facing in our post-Christmas hazes.

Q: Two years ago, I received several bread mixes and a jar of chocolate sauce for Christmas. The breads were baked and eaten within a month, but the sauce still lingers in the bottom of my pantry. What should I do with it? What do YOU do with food-based Christmas gifts you don’t use and/or never intend to?

A: While the generosity and thoughtfulness of a food present is wonderful, there are zillions of pepperoni sticks and Jordan almonds that will go uneaten this year. What makes it tougher: many of them (see: chocolate sauce) would be of little use to a food bank.

So, readers – what’s your plan for this stuff? Will you re-gift? Will you bring the edibles to a party, or try to pawn them off at the office? Will they simply go in the garbage? Any and all suggestions are welcome in the comment section.

P.S. Good Christmas food stories are highly encouraged.

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Falafel with Tahini Sauce: A Recipe for Happiness

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:35 +0000

This recipe first appeared in July 2007. It’s really good. And today on Serious Eats, it’s Baked Oatmeal. Also, really good.

I dig falafel. The boyfriend digs it even more. If falafel was single and a good kisser, I’d end up dumped and homeless on the street. Heartbroken and forlorn, I’d wander about blindly, cursing the day chickpeas sauntered into my life.

But, thank Jeebus, falafel is just a food – a tempting, fatty food that’s normally deep-fried to get its flavor and texture. The challenge then, dear friends, was cutting the ginormous amounts of oil without losing a whit of the taste.

After browsing a few falafel recipes (Sara Moulton, AllRecipes, etc.), I finally bogarted a good-looking one from Epicurious, which garnered it from a cookbook called Foods of Israel Today. Since I was using canned chickpeas instead of dried, I then made a few preparation changes based on the advice of an Epicurious reviewer only known as dickrebel. It turned out to be indispensable, so big round of applause for dickrebel, ladies and gentlemen.

When it came time to cook, once again, it was Weight Watchers to the rescue. They suggested frying the falafel in 2 teaspoons of oil, and then sticking it in a hot oven to finish. Since 2 teaspoons of oil sounded a bit meager, I jacked it up to 2 tablespoons, which was just right. It gave each piece a nice brown color and satisfying crunch without affecting the fat content too terribly. The oven warmed the falafel through, and the addition of garnishes and a lower-fat tahini-yogurt sauce from EatingWell.com finished the whole dish quite nicely. The boyfriend loved it, and ate it so fast that I didn’t worry about them running away together.

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also dig:

~~~

Falafel
5 servings – 4 pieces per serving
Adapted from Epicurious.

1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 large onion, roughly chopped (about 1 cup)
2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
2 Tbsp chopped fresh cilantro
1 tsp salt
3/4 tsp red pepper flakes
4 cloves of garlic
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp baking powder
4 Tbsp flour
2 Tbsp vegetable oil for frying

1 tomato, chopped for garnish
¼ large onion, diced for garnish
½ green bell pepper, diced for garnish
Eating Well’s Tahini sauce (listed below)
2 ½ Whole Wheat Pitas

1) Combine onion, garlic and pepper flakes in food processor. Pulse until they’re about 1/8-in. big.

2) Add beans, parsley, and cilantro and chop until “pieces are about the size of a large pinhead.” You don’t want a puree here. (Thanks, dickrebel.)

3) Dump the items from the food processor into a bowl. Stir in salt, cumin, baking powder and flour until well-mixed., but not really a dough.

4) Stick it in the fridge, covered, for anywhere from 15 minutes to several hours. The longer the better. (I did it for an hour, and turned out nicely.)

5) With your hands, make small falafel hockey pucks about 1 to 1-1/2 inches in diameter and ¾ of an inch high. (The flat surface will help with the frying.)

6) Turn oven to 400ºF.

7) Heat 2 Tbsp vegetable oil in a huge ovenproof skillet on medium-high. Fry the pucks for about 3 minutes on the first side, and 2 minutes on the second, until they’re golden brown.

When finished, stick skillet in oven (or transfer pucks to a Pam-ed aluminum foil lined cookie sheet) and bake for 10-12 minutes.

9) Stick four balls in half a pita with tomatoes, green pepper, and onions. Drizzle with tahini sauce (recipe below).

Eating Well Tahini sauce
1/2 cup low-fat plain yogurt
2 Tbsp tahini (see Ingredient note)
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1/3 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley
1/4 tsp salt

1) Mix all ingredients thoroughly in bowl. That’s it.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Price Per Serving
296 calories, 11.7 g fat, $1.11

Calculations
1 can chickpeas, drained: 350 calories, 7 g fat, $0.79
3/4 onion (main recipe plus garnish): 100 calories, 0 g fat, $0.24
8 Tbsp fresh parsley (main recipe plus sauce): negligible calories and fat, $0.99
2 Tbsp fresh cilantro: negligible calories and fat, $0.33
1 ¼ tsp salt (main recipe plus sauce): negligible calories and fat, $0.01
1/2-1 tsp red pepper flakes: negligible calories and fat, $0.15
4 cloves garlic: 20 calories, 0 g fat, $0.20
1 tsp cumin: negligible calories and fat, $0.05
1 tsp baking powder: negligible calories and fat, $0.02
4 Tbsp flour: 100 calories, 0 g fat, $0.03
2 Tbsp vegetable oil for frying: 240 calories, 28 g fat, $0.08
1 tomato, chopped for garnish: 30 calories, 0 g fat, $0.56
½ green bell pepper, diced for garnish: 20 calories, 0 g fat, $0.24
2 ½ Whole Wheat Pitas: 350 calories, 4.25 g fat, $0.47
1/2 cup low-fat plain yogurt: 80 calories, 1.25 g fat, $0.95
2 Tbsp tahini: 190 calories, 18 g fat, $0.25
1 Tbsp lemon juice: negligible calories and fat, $0.17
TOTAL: 1480 calories, 58.5 g fat, $5.53
PER SERVING (TOTAL/5): 296 calories, 11.7 g fat, $1.11

10 Best CHG Articles of 2009

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:34 +0000

Someone (Thank you, person!) nominated CHG for a Homie, given out by the Apartment Therapy folks. It’s a voting-type thing, so if y’all have time, it would be wonderful if you could click on over. (We’re in the right column around the middle.) Thank you!

Every Wednesday, we at CHG post longer pieces relating to our central thesis of nutritious, inexpensive food. The article topics range from simple how-tos to recipe compilations to extended pondering about food and pop culture. Generally, they’re a good time.

Though we took a little break towards the end of the year, 2009 has produced some of our best Wednesday posts yet. (Modesty: it’s what’s for Christmas.) These are my ten favorites, plus a few honorable mentions. If you’ve seen ‘em already, they may be worth revisiting, at least for stunning pictures of chicken breast. If you haven’t seen them yet … well, it’s gonna be a good day.

1) 1 Chicken, 17 Healthy Meals, $26 Bucks, No Mayo
In which a single chicken named Charles yields a week of delicious meals, plus lots of hand washing.

2) 19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions
This just happened, and I’m still reeling from almost four hours of Paula Deen, y’all (who, by the way, chopped one of the few vegetables of the day).

3) 65 Cheap, Healthy, One-Dish Meals with Good Leftover Potential
George Clooney pictures! Also, food.

4) Veggie Might: Reaching into the Mailbag—Mom Seeks Help with Teen Veg
I loved Leigh’s take on a kid just discovering vegetarianism, and how her parents can both help out and understand it themselves.

5) Spend Less, Eat Healthier: The Five Most Important Things You Can Do
CHG in a nutshell. If you’re new to the blog, this post is a great place to get an idea about what we do.

6) A Beginner’s Guide to Beans, Plus 42 Bean Recipes
We do a ton of recipe compilations here, but this one sticks out. Beans are fantastic meat replacements – healthier and cheaper than any beef, and most chicken and pork. Also, they’re inherently funny, unlike lamb or something.

7) 10 Modern Food Myths, Busted
Whether you’re wondering about acai berries or puzzled over baby carrots’ link to cancer (note: it doesn’t exist), this post has the answers.

Lighten Any Meal: 10 Easy, Inexpensive Steps to Healthier Recipes
Anyone can cut the fat and calories from their meals (but still keep the flavor) with these super-simple tricks. ANYONE, I SAY.

9) How to Tell if a Recipe is Cheap and Healthy Just By Looking at it
In a related story, you might not have to lighten anything if you know what you’re starring out with. (You’re not supposed to end sentences with “with,” are you? These days, I just don’t know what I’m thinking with.)

10) Feeding a Group on Vacation
If you’re headed to warmer climates this winter, this post will keep your family and friends from pulling a Donner Party.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

26 Common Food Labels, Explained
What’s a pasture-raised cow? And what do antioxidants do? Does “low fat” mean anything? Find out here!

Information Central: 32 Free Food Charts, Checklists, and Wallet-Sized Guides
Do you like having things in your wallet? Me too!

Overcoming Your Cooking Obstacles
With monkey photos! And valuable advice. But mostly monkey photos!

Weekly Menu Planning for Singles, Couples, and Working People
a.k.a. I Love Lists.

Thank you so much for visiting Cheap Healthy Good! (We appreciate it muchly). If you’d like to further support CHG, subscribe to our RSS feed! Or become a Facebook friend! Or check out our Twitter! Or buy something inexpensive, yet fulfilling via that Amazon store (on the left)! Bookmarking sites and links are nice, too. Viva la France!

Ask the Internet: Do You Return Bad Produce?

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:33 +0000

“I don’t return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.” – Seinfeld

Stepping away from all the Christmas joy for 47 seconds, I have a fruit and veggie question. Here it is, in fine Ask the Internet fashion:

Q: I buy bananas every week. Recently, I got a bad bunch. You couldn’t tell from the outside they were rotten, but once peeled, there was a line of black goo running down each piece of fruit. The whole bunch cost me less than $1.50, so it got chucked. Should I have returned it instead, or is that taking frugality a step too far? This isn’t the first time my local supermarket has sold less-than-spectacular produce, but I don’t want to be regarded as cheap.

A: Do you guys agree? Do you return bad produce? If so, what’s your limit? How do you feel about it?

FYI, if it was a meat, dairy, frozen, canned, or boxed product, I would probably have taken it back without hesitation. (See: If for nothing else than I don’t want other people to get poisoned.) But fruit and vegetables seem to be a special WYSIWYG case. Color me confused, but please – fire away in the comment section.

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in on Tuesdays for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Lighter Baked Ziti with Italian Sausage: An Ode to Ma and Dot

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:32 +0000

Today on Serious Eats: Peppermint Patties – easy, delightful, and dang impressive.

My family is about as Italian as most leprechauns. Still, every Christmas night, Ma prepares lasagna and garlic bread for dinner. It’s not an authentic lasagna. She uses grated Polly-O and a jar of mushroom Prego. However, as we are essentially walking Blarney Stones, it’s good and we like it.

My Aunt Dot, a lifelong New Yorker and hilarious battleaxe, was well-known for two things: 1) clearing the dinner dishes three minutes before you were done eating (known to this day as “pulling a Dorothy”), and 2) baked ziti. She passed last year, so I’ll never find out how she made it. I can guarantee, though, that I’ll spend my whole life trying to replicate the recipe.

Today’s Lighter Baked Ziti with Italian Sausage comes from Cooking Light/Recipe Zaar, and it’s a tribute to both those women. The dish possesses a savory, tomato-ey flavor that’s distinctive without being overwhelming, and includes enough parmesan and mozzarella to satisfy any cheese lover. I prefer my ziti a little dry, but you could always serve it with extra sauce on the side. Oh, and grating your own block of cheese is definitely suggested. It’s cheaper and tastes fresher, since there’s no anti-caking powder involved.

Caveat: I know adding vegetables would have been healthier, and making a sauce from scratch would have given it more culinary credibility, but that wasn’t what I was going for. I wanted a straight baked pasta dish – a bell-less, whistle-less, nutritionally bereft, lower calorie recipe that reminded me of Ma’s lasagna and Dot’s ziti. This fit the bill. And while it isn’t a light dish – it is a lighter one, coming in 320 calories and 20 grams of fat under its unenlightened All Recipes’ counterpart:

PER SERVING (6 servings)
All Recipes Baked Ziti with Sausage 865 calories 36.5 g fat
CHG Lighter Baked Ziti with Sausage 547 calories 16.8 g fat

In the end, it’s delicious. And that’s what counts.

This Christmas, I wish y’all happiness and good times with family. And if you can cram some baked pasta in there, all the better.

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also dig:

~~~

Lighter Baked Ziti with Italian Sausage
Yields 6 to 8 servings
Adapted from Cooking Light/Recipe Zaar.

1 pound ziti or penne pasta
4 links (13 or 14 ounces) sweet Italian turkey sausage
1/8 cup onion flakes
2 teaspoons garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 26-oz jar your favorite spaghetti sauce
1 cup part-skim mozzarella, shredded fresh
2/3 to 1 cup parmesan cheese, freshly grated if possible
Cooking spray

1) Cook pasta in salted water until just short of al dente. Drain and set aside.

2) Separate turkey from casing and cook in a large skillet over medium-high heat for 3 minutes, crumbling the meat with the back of a wooden spoon as you go along. When a little fat is rendered, add onion and cook, stirring occasionally. When meat is nearly browned, add garlic and cook until fragrant.

3) Preheat oven to 350°F.

4) Pour salt, pepper, and sauce into skillet and stir to mix. Bring mixture to a boil, then reduce heat to low, cover skillet, and simmer for 10 minutes, stirring every once in awhile. When 10 minutes is up, pour pasta into meat sauce and stir.

5) Spray a 9×13 baking dish with cooking spray. Spread half the pasta mixture on the bottom. Top it with half the mozzarella and half the parmesan. Add the rest of the pasta mixture and finish with mozzarella and parmesan. Bake for 25 minutes, or until everything is warmed through and cheese is slightly browned. Serve with a little extra spaghetti sauce if desired, plus a side veggie. (Peas and carrots went nicely.)

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price
6 servings: 547 calories, 16.8 g fat, 4.8 g fiber, $1.40
7 servings: 469 calories, 14.4 g fat, 4.1 g fiber, $1.20
8 servings: 410 calories, 12.6 g fat, 3.6 g fiber, $1.05

Calculations
1 pound ziti or penne pasta: 1621 calories, 8.1 g fat, 16.2 g fiber, $0.66
4 links (13 or 14 ounces) sweet Italian turkey sausage: 560 calories, 32 g fat, 0 g fiber, $1.99
1/8 cup onion flakes: 24 calories, 0 g fat, 0.6 g fiber, $0.52
2 teaspoons garlic, minced: 8 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.10
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1 26-oz jar your favorite spaghetti sauce (I used Classico Tomato Basil): 360 calories, 8 g fat, 12 g fiber, $1.60
1 cup part-skim mozzarella, shredded fresh: 280 calories, 20 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.75
2/3 to 1 cup parmesan cheese, freshly grated if possible: 431 calories, 28.6 g fat, 0 g fiber: $2.72
Cooking spray: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.05
TOTAL: 3284 calories, 100.7 g fat, 28.9 g fiber, $8.41
PER SERVING (TOTAL/6): 547 calories, 16.8 g fat, 4.8 g fiber, $1.40
PER SERVING (TOTAL/7): 469 calories, 14.4 g fat, 4.1 g fiber, $1.20
PER SERVING (TOTAL/8): 410 calories, 12.6 g fat, 3.6 g fiber, $1.05

19-Hour Food Network Running Diary: The Whole Thing and Various Conclusions

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:31 +0000

This past Wednesday, I watched an entire broadcast day of the Food Network and blogged about it. Then I slept for 67 straight hours.

The experience changed some ways I felt about FN, and reinforced others. For one thing, I always assumed The Powers That Be didn’t pay attention to financial matters, which they clearly do. There weren’t any outrageously expensive dishes all day, and some shows (Throwdown, 30-Minute Meals) made a point of frugality.

On the other hand, I thought FN would give a modicum of time to healthy cooking, and it just wasn’t there. Bobby Flay’s fruit marinades were the closest anyone came to nutritionally-minded meals. Granted, it’s Christmas, which tends to highlight baking and various indulgences, but when Paula Deen chops the only pepper of the day, you know we’re in trouble.

Finally, I thought there would be more 3/4-sleeve sweaters. Turns out, the chefs prefer long sleeves rolled up. (Except Giada. You can always count on Giada.)

The whole thing is attached below, in chronological order from 9:30am to 5am the next morning. You can see I fell into a coma during Food Network Challenge, but revived just in time for Paula’s Cookie Swap. It’s the important things, you know?

Anyway, here goes. Merry Christmas.

9:30am
THE SHOW: Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman I’d date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts

9:32am
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.

9:35am
Nigella’s casual vocabulary is my favorite. She’s making jam, and has described it as “fiery crimson” and “volcanically boiling.” This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?

9:37am
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.

9:40am
“Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie.” is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.

9:43am
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters

9:45am
Nigella’s cake batter is “perfectly plain, but anything but austere.” Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?

9:47am
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?

9:50am
Her strata is (direct quote): “Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels.” If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.

9:52am
It’s not even time for Price is Right, and Nigella’s guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.

9:54am
We’re up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. I’ve never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just “splodged” them with sour cream, and now – I swear to god – is “forking them together.”

9:58am
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: We’ll let it slide. It’s a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness

10:00am
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says “BAM” a lot. There’s a band, too.

10:05am
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.

10:06am
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: “Never walk away from your pine nuts.” Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, “What’s burning?”

10:08am
We’re watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. It’s still more interesting than golf.

10:11am
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who don’t like sudden movements.

10:16am
Emeril is running a “Say Cheese” recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teacher’s assistant I’ve ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which “kicks [it] up to notches unknown.” NOTCHES UNKNOWN.

10:18am
Emeril is both a “spoon guy” and a “whisk fan.” Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?

10:20am
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so “Dad” can school us some more. I think I’ve found my nemesis for the day.

10:23am
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom won’t overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.

10:27am
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)

10:30am
Re: Emeril’s accent. He’s from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.

10:32am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. You’ll be sploshed inside an hour.

10:33am
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for “lahwd.” I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that he’s saying “lard.”

10:37am
Another ugly-but-delicious food: refried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?

10:40am
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They don’t shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so I’m figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think it’s time for some coffee.

10:43am
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology

10:46am
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emeril’s Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldn’t that make you angry when you’re cooking? Like you’re in Hell’s Kitchen? “Don’t TALK TO ME when I’m making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!”

10:49am
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, “WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!”

10:52am
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? It’s $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.

10:55am
Emeril’s jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.

10:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good – salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.

11:01am
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: “Formal fare in your formalwear.” Clever boy.

11:04am
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag reflex failure.

11:09am
Coffee procured! Urge to kill … fading.

11:10am
Chiarello isn’t wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?

11:12am
Currently, he’s adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like it’s going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.

11:13am
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know “tiramisu” means “pick me up”? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)

11:15am
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is “going somewhere,” “checking the market out,” or “has some errands to run” during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.

11:19am
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know he’s totally great at what he does, but you don’t necessarily want to have a beer with him.

11:23am
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.

11:27am
Why don’t the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.

11:30am
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness

11:31am
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.

11:32am
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesn’t do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)

11:36am
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.

11:43am
We’ve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. I’m still deciding how I feel about this. Also: “take it to a whole new level” should be retired permanently, as should “outside the box.”

11:45am
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced “keeyou-min” or “coo-min”?

11:50am
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.

11:52am
Chopping montage! In general, wouldn’t cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.

11:58am
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now it’s a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?

11:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels

12:00pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all!
THE CONCEPT: Today, it’s cookies. But most days, it’s butter. Just butter.

12:04pm
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, y’all.

12:06pm
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island

12:12pm
Paula’s making Gingerbread Men, and “when we come back, I’m gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life.” This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isn’t it?

12:19pm
Edit – Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.

12:23pm
Gingerbread Michael (Paula’s husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?

12:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, y’all
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, y’all
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, y’all
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, y’all

12:31pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.

12:32pm
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, “there’s a cot in my pan.”

12:34pm
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means “mozzarella” is “mooz-a-dell” and “parmesan” is “parrrr-mi-jhan.” Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.

12:37pm
Giada is frying some oysters. When she’s done, they will be “sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them.” I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.

12:42pm
Giada’s “this is so good” claw: check.
Giada’s tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of “pan-CHET-tha.”

12:46pm
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and it’s only 12:46. If I hear, “Get your career cooking … LITERALLY!” one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.

12:48pm
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is G’s next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is “Date Night.” Now you know.) Served with Chiarello’s Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigella’s Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.

12:51pm
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but … uh … my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I don’t have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin’.

12:57pm
For dessert, it’s Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol’ pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.

12:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne

1:00pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.

1:03pm
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent (”sah-sidge”) is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.

1:06pm
Whenever RR asks us to “eyeball” something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but … need more coffee.

1:11pm
We’re having “ahh-some wanh-ffles” here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.

1:14pm
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?

1:19pm
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When you’re makin’ TV, it’s really, really tough to turn on the cheer when you’re not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.

1:21pm
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as “SUPER delicious.” Just once, I want a TV chef to say, “You know what? It’s a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we don’t get some veggies in our diets, we’ll die.”

1:26pm
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when she’s at home? “Well, I’m goin’ to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then I’m going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now I’m gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!”

1:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many “yummos’

1:31pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME

1:32pm
She’s making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!

1:34pm
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Ina’s kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.

1:36pm
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If you’re not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, it’s a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.

1:40pm
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong, presumably.

1:42pm
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But I’m going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be careful with my heart.

1:49pm
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes “to chill and relax.” Unmentioned: “to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle.”

1:51pm
The lobster pies were just dubbed “rustic.” In cooking, is “rustic” a synonym for “messy”? If so, my apartment is very rustic.

1:57pm
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I don’t know how to spell “unnecessary.”

1:58pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er … pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um … also low
VERDICT: 10/10. It’s Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.

2:01pm
THE SHOW: Semi-Homemade … you knew it was coming.
THE HOST: Sandra Lee
THE CONCEPT: 70% store-bought ingredients, 30% fresh ingredients, 100% yarg.

2:02pm
The theme is wisteria. So naturally, the first dish is a Fig and Goat Cheese Quesadilla. Leave your logic at the door, ladies and germs.

2:05pm
Aunt Sandy’s hair is styled very Farrah Fawcettly. Which brings another question to mind: when I don’t wear my hair back when I cook, it gets in the food. (Mmm … hair chili.) Is this a concern of TV chefs?

2:10pm
“I want to talk to you about making great potato salad without all the work.” She is starting with pre-cooked potatoes already seasoned with rosemary and garlic. This is like saying, “The first step is making an awesome cake is to buy an awesome cake.”

2:12pm
On microwaving the potatoes: “You didn’t have to do any of that peeling, any of that monkey business.” I think she just compared potato peeling to sex. I guess both are dirty? And can take a few minutes? And at the end, you get delicious fries?

2:21pm
Sandra is spooning hot apricots on to a delicate cream. You can see the cream itself dissolving as this happens. It looks like, in the following shot, the desserts have been replaced with new ones. I can’t say for sure this happened, but I think it happened.

2:26pm
Multiple choice question time! Sandra is currently:
A) Showing us a tablescape with a three-foot, 30+ pound vase of flowers at the center.
B) Showing us ANOTHER new plate of those apricot cream desserts.
C) Showing us the molecular representation of sodium chloride.

2:29pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0. It was a lavender blouse.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 5/10, for unexpected attention paid to health and frugality, but also making a potato salad out of a potato salad.

2:31pm
THE SHOW: Boy Meets Grill
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby Flay and a grill in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

2:33pm
Bobby’s background music sounds like the chillout room at a ’90s rave. We have fallen into a K-hole of flavor, everyone.

2:35pm
Unexpected, terrifying glitch with Blogger, seemingly overcome for now. If it craps out 10 hours into the marathon, I will go on a killing spree.

2:40pm
If Bobby wasn’t a cook, he’d be a ballplayer – probably a journeyman outfielder with a .270 average and 15 or 20 home runs a year. Fans would like him because he shows up early to practice, and managers respect him for his knowledge of the game. Three years after retiring, he’d take a job managing Double A, where he’d stay until the majors call him up in his mid-50s. After a few years as a hitting coach, he’d get the full-time manager’s job and win the World Series within three years. He’d always have a secret love of mango salsa, but would’t know why.

2:45pm
Chickpea Polenta, which Mr. Flay is making, is something I would like to eat right now. In my mouth. With my teeth and gums.

2:51pm
Bobby is now mixing figs and red peppers in a delectable-sounding marinade. However, it looks like Buffalo Bill’s bathtub in Silence of the Lambs. “It puts the marinade on the skin or it gets the hose again.”

2:57pm
Random people show up on Bobby’s rooftop to eat. If only such deliciousness was waiting at the top of every NYC fire escape, instead of the tar paper and Wire-style Mexican standoffs that are usually there.

2:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though Bobby’s sleeves were rolled up.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low; steak is pricey, yo
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium; points for lots of fresh produce
VERDICT: 8/10, for the creative use of fruit and being able to smell the grill smoke all the way in my apartment.

3:01pm
THE SHOW: Guy’s Big Bite
THE HOST: Guy Fieri (pronounced “Bob Jones-Smith”)
THE CONCEPT: Huge freaking food for giant freaking guys.

3:02pm
The More You Know: I’m wearing no makeup, ill-fitting jeans and my beloved hooded sweatshirt, Big Green. If anyone saw me right now, they’d immediately turn to stone.

3:03pm
Props to Guy: he doesn’t settle for saying an ingredient “will make this taste great!” He explains why you add certain seasonings and why you cook food a specific way. And he uses way less “Dude! This onion is radical awesome gnarly, bro!” than I thought he would.

3:09pm
He’s explaining why he didn’t salt Kalamata Couscous ahead of time: “because I wasn’t sure what the olives would bring to it.” This is the kind of information I want from a cooking show. From Guy Fieri. Who knew? (Also, it helps that he’s making dolma [stuffed grape leaves], one of my all-time favorite foods.)

3:12pm
I’m calling it: TV chefs calling pieces of food “bad boys” is officially over. Stuffed grape leaves are delicious, not delinquent.

3:14pm
Return of the rotisserie ad dad! He reminds me of Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride. Somewhere (Gilder), a village is missing its cowardly noble.

3:20pm
Guy’s dolmas are “doing time” in the oven. 15 to 20 for assault and grand theft auto, to be specific. Maybe they ARE bad boys.

3:22pm
There is no elegant way to talk, whisk furiously, and sound composed at the same time. Everyone’s voice rattles like they’re riding a vacuum cleaner.

3:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – again, the rolled-up sleeve dominates
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high, dude
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium, bro
VERDICT: 9/10, for being unexpectedly pretty great, dudebro

3:30pm
THE SHOW: Tyler’s Ultimate
THE HOST: Tyler Florence
THE CONCEPT: Tyler shows us how to make a classic dish in the best possible way.

3:31pm
Tyler is kicking the show off by berating a rubber chicken. This is gonna be good.

3:33pm
Ack. He just called all-purpose flour “A.P.” (Or, “apey.”) How you know when acronyms don’t work: when they sound like another, more disgusting word.

3:36pm
“What would life be without bacon?” Tyler asks. A futile existence, my friend. A futile existence indeed.

3:42pm
Tyler is making Coq au Vin, and his lapel mic is picking up the sound of sizzling every time he gets near his Dutch oven. You can hardly hear him above the noise, and it’s kind of hilarious.

3:48pm
Also of note: Tyler hits food a lot, as in, “We’re gonna hit this with Cognac.” and “I’m gonna hit this with Herbs de Provence.” No lie, he just said it like, six times. Food abuse!

3:52pm
“Boom!” is another one he’s uttered about 70 different times. Methinks Tyler Florence is actually Guy Fieri, and Guy Fieri was replaced with a lookalike English teacher. Up is down, left is right, people!

3:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – rolled up sleeves again.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10 – it’s been over for a minute, and I barely remember it. There was a rubber chicken, right? (Is that mean? I don’t want to be mean. I actually like Tyler a lot.)

4:01pm
THE SHOW: Cooking for Real
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Cooking, really. For real. With realness.

4:04pm
Sunny’s telling us about her tattoo. True story: in college, I was out with a friend, and came fairly close to getting the Chinese symbol for moon tattooed on my lower back. I decided not to, went home and told my dad about it. His response: “So, let me get this straight. You were about to get a MOON tattoo two inches above your ass?” I have never been tempted by tattoos again.

4:09pm
Fill in the blank time!
“Flauta” is the Spanish word for ______:
A) flute
B) to flout or express disdain
C) flatulence
D) ex-Bills quarterback Doug Flutie

4:12pm
The last three – possibly four – shows have involved tempering/whisking eggs into a hot mixture. Is that intentional? Does Food Network pick really specific themes like that? Today, it’s tempering eggs. Tomorrow, it’s grinding coriander. The day after that, it’s sectioning a lemon on a snowy day if you live in a state ending with the letter “O.”

4:20pm
Heh. It’s 4:20.

4:24pm
19 hours of straight blogging, and there will be no Ace of Cakes. The lack of Duffness depresses and frightens me. So I will look at this dog making cookies to cheer me up.

4:25pm
Sunny is a very sunny person, yes? If she was named Frowny, this would be an entirely different show.

4:26pm
She’s making Mexican soda! The bodegas in my neighborhood have these, and the colors are insane. They’re like drinking a B-52s album.

4:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nada – cute short-sleeved pink top
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – flautas were deep fried
VERDICT: 7.5/10, for the fact that I want Mexican food now

4:30pm
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: This episode, Giads makes easy Italian-style cookies.

4:31pm
Giada just described a “decadent and deliciously adult cookie,” meaning the next half hour will see her either making Florentines or directing a porno.

4:34pm
Didn’t this woman just have a baby? How does she still look like a tiny Italian hourglass? (*curses the heavens*)

4:37pm
A Giada haiku:
Little big head chef
makes cookie log so pretty
we forget claw hand

4:44pm
We live down the block from a pizza place that sells single slices in individual boxes. Our front stoop has become the garbage pail for the neighborhood kids, all of whom buy one on the way from school to the subway. Short of water guns, how do I solve this problem?

4:50pm
Giada is rolling out dough, and trying to fill the time with words. “I’m rolling out the dough. Rolling. Rolling. Uh … more rolling. Hm. Nice day today, right? How ’bout them Mets? More rolling.”

4:57pm
Giada is hosting a cookie tasting party, and her friends and family are all abnormally hot. This is probably because they usually have asparagus tasting parties.

5:00pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1! Finally! I thought I was taking crazy pills.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – baking is cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – it’s a cookie show, man
VERDICT: 8/10 – for having biscotti that looks like it might actually be very good

5:01pm
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa
THE HOST: Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: For this episode, it’s treats for people and their dogs.

5:02pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #83892: chug every time a TV chef adds nebulous “flavor,” without describing the qualities of said flavor. Ex: “This cupcake could use more flavor.” “Potatoes are great when they have flavor.” “My socks have a flavor.”

5:04pm
Remember, like, four hours ago? When Sandra Lee made potato salad using potato salad? Ina don’t play that way. She’s got her Adidas and Kangol on, she has her ghetto blaster turned to 11, and she’s cooking those dope spuds from scratch. Word.

5:09pm
Ina has chopped at least three large onions, and is visibly tearing up. That’s no good. I will kill the onion that makes Ina cry. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED, ONIONS.

5:11pm
A chocolate sheetcake is in the process of being baked. Normally, this would sound awesome. But I don’t know if it’s good to combine dogs and chocolate in a party setting. Y’know? The pugs have one drink too many, then they start teasing the Boston terrier, and before you know it, all the shih-tzus have poisoned themselves. Party over.

5:19pm
The more I watch this show, the more I think Ina looks like my mom. Maybe this is why I like her so much, and why I keep asking her for money.

5:20pm
Did you know Ina used to work on U.S. nuclear policy in Washington? I think that’s why her recipes don’t bomb. (HAHAHAHAHA … sorry.)

5:26pm
Joe Lieberman is a terrible, terrible person. Just sayin’.

5:27pm
First the onions made Ina cry. Now she’s grilling on the beach, where it’s clearly windy and freezing. If she’s attacked by one of those labradoodles, I’m boycotting the Earth.

5:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: umm … look over there! A shiny thing!
VERDICT: 10/10, for the appearance of the StandMixer. If Barefoot Contessa is Cheers, the StandMixer is Norm.

5:31pm
THE SHOW: Down Home with the Neelys
THE HOST: Gina and Pat Neely
THE CONCEPT: A couple you might otherwise like is forced to yell as loudly as possible while making soul food.

5:36pm
There’s a guest! A brother of Pat’s! And I like him! He’s speaking with his inside voice, is why.

5:37pm
They’re smoking pork butts in the kitchen. We used to smoke butts in the kitchen in college. Then we smoked too many butts and had to quit. Smoking butts, I mean.

5:40pm
An analogy!
The Neelys are to total deafness as Kate Hudson romantic comedies are to _____.
A) brain damage
B) drooling
C) incontinence
D) all of the above

5:44pm
You know what? Maybe I’m looking at Down Home the wrong way. When I cook, it’s usually alone, and it’s usually quiet and methodical and relaxing. Others are more gregarious and make it more of a group activity. If that’s what the show is aiming for, it’s doing okay.

5:50pm
Brother Neely is making pulled pork, a secret diet food. By that, I mean: if you’re on a diet and find yourself at a barbecue joint, go for the pulled pork. It’s usually the lightest of all the meat choices, and you can customize the flavor with various sauces.

5:52pm
Liveblogging health update: nine hours in, my back is starting to get a little twingey. I call it Futon Spine.

5:56pm
Gina’s making margaritas. She’s into the tequila. We’re about to enter migraine territory.

5:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: barely visible from space
VERDICT: 4/10, for Pat’s brother and his ponytail.

6:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all
THE CONCEPT: This episode, it’s slow cooking.

6:02pm
BEAR WITNESS! Paula is chopping a vegetable, y’all! I’m already in contact with Washington and lobbying for a national holiday.

6:04pm
As a New Yorker, I have never had chicken fried steak. But I’ve also never had malaria. Is it worth it?

6:09pm
Paula melted half a stick of butter with several cups of grated cheddar cheese, dumped them into the crockpot, and spooned through it wearing an expression I can only describe as total human contentment. She is simultaneously delighting and scaring the crud out of me.

6:14pm
The show has stopped while Paula feeds the mac and cheese to the camera. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

6:17pm
Limerick time!
There once was a lady named Paula,
“More buttah, y’all!” she would holla,
Her restaurant took off-o
And her show was so boff-o
She earned a million and one dolla.

6:22pm
Blueberry Peach Cobbler is distinctly American in a great way. Eating it with Swiss steak and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American a not-so-great way.

6:25pm
Paula says the cobbler requires some “one on one personal time.” Between her, Nigella, and Giada, this is the sexiest day of food programming in history.

6:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: infinitesimal
VERDICT: 8/10, for the face. I aspire to make that face someday.

6:30pm
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Dunno. Never heard of it.

6:32pm
How you can tell this is late-period Rachael: much more eye makeup, shorter hair, increased fresh foods, better knife skills, a voice that’s clinging to audibility, motions exaggerated to the Nth power.

6:37pm
Rachael’s making gorgonzola-stuffed meatballs. If there were more recipes based on meat stuffed with cheese, we’d have world peace, a public health option, and money leftover for universal foot massages.

6:41pm
Fun fact: food commercials use women in their 20s to play the mothers of tweens and teenagers. While this is totally possible, it makes it seem like real-life mothers should look much younger than they actually are. Which isn’t cool.

6:49pm
Finally, something I can criticize without feeling terrible: Big Top Cupcake is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. IT’S A POINTY CAKE PAN, EVERYBODY.

6:52pm
I stand corrected. Micro S’mores is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

6:57pm
Rachael makes a good point: always pull the bay leaves out of your food. Who among has not forgotten, and ended up with a mouthful of pointy leaf? (Uh … anyone?)

6:59pm
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10, for being easily distracted by BigTop Cupcake

7:00pm
Halfway done!

7:01pm
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge – Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments

7:03pm
Today’s competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose “mother would cry if [the tree] wasn’t pretty enough.” Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7:06pm
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. It’s going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I don’t think he has the cojones.

7:10pm
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his … damn, this isn’t the right channel.

7:11pm
Food Network brought in the contestants’ parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesn’t devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. There’s not enough spray tan in the world.

7:16pm
In New York, there’s a children’s behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kid’s bad habits. One part claims it will even “turn your child’s attitude around in one minute or less.” Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.

7:22pm
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.

7:30pm
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever they’d fit. I’m not sayin’ I could do that, but I’m very good at sticking lasagna in trees.

7:32pm
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it won’t be something you’d ever expect. “Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!” “Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!” “Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!”

7:40pm
The Long Island baker’s brother is hilariously inept.
~~~
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and … uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: It’s a Christmas tree, David.

7:42pm
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.

7:44pm
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Y’know, to test it out.

7:47pm
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didn’t scream “CRONE!” and run away to Timbuktu.

7:52pm
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! It’s a shocking parent/child role reversal and it’s making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!

7:55pm
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! It’s a pun!)

7:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless you’re into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie judge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares

8:01pm
THE SHOW: Paula’s Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, y’all!

8:02pm
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.

8:04pm
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue

8:06pm
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma you’d introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, she’d disappear back to Georgia and you’d be sad for like, 100 years.

8:11pm
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.

8:14pm
Also, they’re toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.

8:22pm
The further we get into this show, the more apparent it’s become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.

8:29pm
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond

8:32pm
Jamie and Bobby sighting! They’re making … sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?

8:33pm
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and it’s for wallpaper paste.

8:38pm
If our first child is a boy, we’re naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.

8:44pm
Crossover alert! Paula’s brought in Bobby from HGTV. He’s teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.

8:48pm
Y’all, we’re not done yet! Paula’s decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. It’s late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.

8:52pm
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: “What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?”

8:53pm
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.

8:54pm
Michael’s here! He’s dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, it’s apparent he’s lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what they’re doing?

8:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 – insanely entertaining, y’all

9:00pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.

9:01pm
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent that’s almost as big. He loves “protectin’ prah-petty” and “caw-melized onions.” I love his bald head.

9:06pm
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when you’re around your family? Mine does, and Bobby’s is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York firefighters.

9:10pm
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into “hunter’s chicken,” or “chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until it’s bloody-looking.”

9:12pm
Big difference between Bobby and Keith’s cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the firefighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.

9:15pm
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.

9:18pm
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.

9:19pm
But seriously, Keith ate him.

9:20pm
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry “chicken bosom.” I’m using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.

9:22pm
Bobby’s adding honey to his tomato sauce. I’ve never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?

9:27pm
The fire chief/referee has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.

9:28pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant – there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh – okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache

9:30pm
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby’s challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.

9:33pm
Leo’s a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isn’t too safe, either.

9:38pm
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.

9:41pm
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.

9:43pm
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?

9:48pm
Father Leo’s secret marinade ingredient: “holy water.” And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.

9:52pm
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering – is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you don’t want to dignify this with a response.

9:58pm
The bed music sounds like it’s excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.

9:59pm
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. I’m flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes

10:00pm
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.

10:03pm
At the end of the show, they’re giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Y’know, we’ve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and it’s still infuriating and sad.

10:12pm
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If they’re not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.

10:14pm
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.

10:17pm
This show ends in 13 minutes and no one’s started cooking yet. They’re about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.

10:24pm
Ooo – I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe … FOR NOW.

10:31pm
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.

10:36pm
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!

10:38pm
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin’ killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?

10:40pm
In regard to Bobby Flay’s repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: “Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. I’m only trying to protect you, man.”

10:42pm
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. It’s like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.

10:47pm
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without refrigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating

10:57pm
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and she’s stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.

10:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high – they’re volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: they’ve been working out, so it’s okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.

11:00pm
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.

11:02pm
Alton is explaining flour, and he’s uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.

11:05pm
This is brilliant. Alton’s given us the show recipe’s ingredients, but hasn’t revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.

11:09pm
Oh! He’s buying a popover pan. He’s making popovers. I’m a genius. All hail me.

11:12pm
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, haven’t they? I’m not a genius, then. I’m merely brilliant.

11:15pm
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things – fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Where’s the butter? Where’s the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.

11:20pm
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.

11:21pm
Holy … the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt it’s the best on Food Network?

11:25pm
How much I wanted to see “It’s Complicated” at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for “It’s Complicated” seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see “It’s Complicated” now: -4%

11:27pm
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as it’s more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.

11:29pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Alton’s preferred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).

11:31pm
THE SHOW: Oh god … Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.

11:33pm
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: “Hon, can you get me … a cup of coffee?”
Him: “Would you like … a little milk?”
Me: “Maybe also … a paper napkin?”
Him: “Of course, I’ll … be right back.”

11:40pm
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.

11:45pm
It’s a quarter to midnight and I’m drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.

11:52pm
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Can’t Afford Apples. They’re trying to “dispel the myth that organic has to cost more.” Unmentioned: “sell $40 chicken legs.”

11:58pm
Now profiling snackmakers Pirate’s Booty. It’s the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You won’t fool me, Summers!

11:59pm
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with … factory line footage.

12:01am
THE SHOW: Oh no … the same Throwdown we saw three hours ago.
THE HOST: Still Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Still the Chicken Cacciatore thing.

12:07am
Oh man. I’m gonna need a different angle for this one, fast. What if we made up a song to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “The Times, They Are A-Changin’”?
Come gather ’round firemen
Wherever you drink
And admit that you left your
dish in the sink.
And accept it that soon
You’ll be forced to think
About whose chicken
you’re pickin’.
So you better start eatin’
‘Cause it’ll be done in a wink.
For the Throwdown, it is a … goin’ down.

12:12am
Okay, maybe not that.

12:17am
It’s now 12:17, and I don’t have a bit for this yet. Unless this running bit that I have no bit is actually the bit. Oh crap. The Le Cordon Bleu commercial again. Have I fallen asleep without knowing it? Is this a nightmare?

12:20am
Okay. FN is airing repeats (Dinner Impossible, Paula’s Cookie Swap, etc.) straight through 4am. SO, I’m gonna break for a few hours and continue this then. That’s not cheating, right? I don’t think so. Either way, thank god I JUST DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.

4:01am
THE SHOW: Tasty Travels
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Rachael eats her way across the Northeastern seaboard.

4:04am
This narration is far too chirpy for four o’clock in the morning: “For a true Kennebunkport experience, cast your net at Mabel’s Lobster Claw!” It’s only missing a cheerleading pyramid.

4:06am
I woke up with “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” in my head. Tonight, thank god it’s me, INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOU.

4:07am
Also on TV at 4:07am:
CW: Frasier
ABC: News
CSPAN: An old man complaining
TV Guide Channel: an infomercial for Dermawand, the stick you put on your face.
PBS: An old man complaining

4:11am
Holy cow! It’s a commercial for The Clapper! This has to be at least 15 years old. Is that a cassette player in there?

4:12am
Back to Rachael, who’s eating lobster at the Algonquin. It is, as you might imagine, “ahhhb-so-LUTE-ly dah-LISH-ous.”

4:14am
My heat’s off. Is my heat always off now?

4:18am
Rachael is in Portsmouth (literally: “there is port in my mouth”), New Hampshire (literally, “there is a shire in my hamp”). She’s at the Muddy River smokehouse, where men are men and women are also men.

4:20am
Was that mean? I don’t care. It’s 4:20 in the morning.

4:21am
“Locals are enchanted with the cuisine.” This phrase is not used in Brooklyn very often. Here, it’s more like, “Locals will not shiv you over the cuisine.”

4:23am
Next, Rachael goes to Gloucester, the Massachusettsiest of all the Massachusetts-sounding towns in all the world. It is wicked Massachusettsy. Red Sox.

4:24am
Commercials at 4:24am in the morning:
AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance
Hair transplants
… that’s it. It’s me and balding old people awake right now.

4:27am
We’re now at Halibut Point restaurant, where Rachael is eating CHOWDAH next to FISHAHMEN. All this trip is missing is a Kennedy.

4:29am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: I forgot to count. It’s cold in here.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium – she mentioned some numeric thingies.
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – what?
VERDICT: 4:29am

4:30am
THE SHOW: How’d That Get On My Plate?
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Unwrapped, but with fresh food and no … Marc Summers.

4:32am
Sunny kicks off the show in an open field. If Martin Scorcese taught me anything, the only people in open fields at 4:32 in the morning are about to be whacked by the mob. Run, Sunny!

4:34am
Did you know: industrial garlic bulbs are peeled by something called a clove blower. In college, the words “clove blower” had a very different meaning. It usually involved a Phish album.

4:36am
Food Network is pushing the White House Iron Chef HARD. Do you think Mario and Emeril will accidentally bump tummies on the floor? Like jolly dueling Santas? Because oh, how I’d giggle.

4:38am
In 2001, my job required that I pull into work right about now. New York is always eerily silent this time of the morning, but I did see a guy get jumped from my cab once.

4:39am
Was that story not riveting enough? My judgment of interesting stories is a little off right now. I’m 20 seconds from babbling about the coldness of my nose.

4:41am
There is a vat of Bloody Mary mix being made on my television. It looks like the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street when the bed eats Johnny Depp. Did you know – and this is not a joke – that he was credited under the name “Oprah Noodlemantra” for his cameo in the sequel? ABSORB THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOUNG PADAWAN.

4:46am
Sunny is back at the garlic factory. You know how you come home sometimes smelling like work? That must be a genuine work hazard for people who work in a garlic factory.

4:48am
Now she’s standing next to a 5000-pound garlic mountain. There are 5000 vampire jokes just waiting to be made here. I’ll be a gentlewoman and let y’all handle it.

4:52am
I can taste garlic in the air in my apartment all of a sudden. This means either this show is really effective, or there’s an old pizza stuck in my walls. Both are equally likely.

4:53am
Sunny is currently wandering through a tremendous warehouse, stacked floor-to-ceiling with barrels of dried garlic. I assuming the Ark of the Covenant is also in there somewhere.

4:58am
It’s roasted garlic hummus now, which has an inherently hilarious texture. You guys don’t know what you’re missing. But it’s okay – no worries. You can stay asleep. That’s why I’m here.

4:59am
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Sunny stuck to overalls
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: astronomic – garlic is good for you, y’all
VERDICT: Who am I? How did I get here?

5:00am
Folks, 19-1/2 hours later, we are DONE! It’s been a trip. I’m going to bed. Hasta la pasta.

Veggie Might: Make Your Own Almond Milk

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:28 +0000

Written by the fabulous Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about all things Vegetarian.

Complete the following word problem and show your work:
You purchased a 4-lb bag of almonds for $10.99 at the Indian market near your friend T’s house. Three weeks later, you still have 1/2 of the bag left. You are worried you may not eat all the remaining almonds before they go rancid because you forgot to stick the bag in the fridge sooner. What can you do with 1 cup of the remaining almonds?

Sample response:
Make almond milk.

1) Cover 1 cup of almonds with water and soak overnight.

2) Drain, rinse, and place almonds in a blender with 3 fresh cups of water. Puree until the almonds are chopped finely.

3) Using cheesecloth or a fine strainer, strain the liquid from the almond mash. Press the mash to extract as much liquid as possible.

4) Set aside the mash for later.

5) Strain a second time. If you used cheese cloth, switch to a fine strainer.

6) Save the superfine mash—this is almond paste!

7) Refrigerate the liquid for 24 hours. There will be some separations, so give the almond milk a good shake. Add a more water if it’s too thick. Add a pinch of salt and sweetener to taste.

Making almond milk is very satisfying, if a touch time consuming. But believe me, the almond milk you will make is far tastier and richer than commercial almond milks I’ve tried (though doesn’t keep as long—only about a week in the fridge). No added thickeners!

Plus, you’ll cut down on those aseptic cartons that are difficult to recycle. You can also dry (in a 200 degree oven) the leftover almond meal and use it in baking. No waste!

Cost comparison
Homemade almond milk: 1 cup almonds = $.91 = about 3 cups of almond milk
Commercial almond milk: 3 cups = $2.24

If you make almond milk in larger quantities (1 cup almonds = 3 cups water), you’ll save on your time cost too.

Approximate Calories, Fat, and Fiber*, and Cost per Serving
60 calories, 2.5g fat, 0g fiber, and $.30

Congratulations! You’re ready for the next activity: drinking, cooking with, or eating cereal with your delicious almond milk.

Sources:
LifeHacker: How to Make Almond Milk at Home
Instructables: How to Milk an Almond
WikiHow: How to Make Almond Milk

~~~

If you like this post, you’ll dig:

*I looked high and low for homemade almond milk nutrition data, but alas this nutrition data is for commercially prepared almond milk.

Food Network Liveblog Marathon, Part 4 – 12:01am to 4:30am

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:27 +0000

Welcome to the Food Network Liveblog/Running Diary, Part 4. (Part 1 over here, Part 2 here, Part 3 here.) There are 14-1/2 hours down, with 4-1/2 to go. Just a fun reminder: I’m checking comments constantly, and will highlight favorites as we go along. So chime in! Can’t wait to read.

RSS subscribers, a quick note: these posts are being updated every few minutes, and subsequently, won’t appear on the feed in full. They are on the homesite, though, if you’d like to peruse.

P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.

5:00am
Folks, 19-1/2 hours later, we are DONE! It’s been a trip. I’m going to bed. Hasta la pasta.

4:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Sunny stuck to overalls
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: astronomic – garlic is good for you, y’all
VERDICT: Who am I? How did I get here?

4:58
It’s roasted garlic hummus now, which has an intrinsically hilarious texture. You guys don’t know what you’re missing. But it’s okay – no worries. You can stay asleep. That’s why I’m here.

4:53
Sunny is currently wandering through a tremendous warehouse, stacked floor-to-ceiling with barrels of dried garlic. I assuming the Ark of the Covenant is also in there somewhere.

4:52
I can taste garlic in the air in my apartment all of a sudden. This means either this show is really effective, or there’s an old pizza stuck in my walls. Both are equally likely.

4:48
Now she’s standing next to a 5000-pound garlic mountain. There are 5000 vampire jokes just waiting to be made here. I’ll be a gentlewoman and let y’all handle it.

4:46
Sunny is back at the garlic factory. You know how you come home sometimes smelling like work? That must be a genuine work hazard for people who work in a garlic factory.

4:41
There is a vat of Bloody Mary mix being made on my television. It looks like the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street when the bed eats Johnny Depp. Did you know – and this is not a joke – that he was credited under the name “Oprah Noodlemantra” for his cameo in the sequel? ABSORB THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOUNG PADAWAN.

4:39
Was that story not riveting enough? My judgment of interesting stories is a little off right now. I’m 20 seconds from babbling about the coldness of my nose.

4:38
In 2001, my job required that I pull into work right about now. New York is always eerily silent this time of the morning, but I did see a guy get jumped from my cab once.

4:36
Food Network is pushing the White House Iron Chef HARD. Do you think Mario and Emeril will accidentally bump tummies on the floor? Like jolly dueling Santas? Because oh, how I’d giggle.

4:34
Did you know: industrial garlic bulbs are peeled by something called a clove blower. In college, the words “clove blower” had a very different meaning. It usually involved a Phish album.

4:32
Sunny kicks off the show in an open field. If Martin Scorcese taught me anything, the only people in open fields at 4:32 in the morning are about to be whacked by the mob. Run, Sunny!

4:30
THE SHOW: How’d That Get On My Plate?
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Unwrapped, but with fresh food and no … Marc Summers.

4:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: I forgot to count. It’s cold in here.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium – she mentioned some numeric thingies.
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – what?
VERDICT: 4:29am

4:27
We’re now at Halibut Point restaurant, where Rachael is eating CHOWDAH next to FISHAHMEN. All this trip is missing is a Kennedy.

4:24
Commercials at 4:24am in the morning:
AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance
Hair transplants
… that’s it. It’s me and balding old people awake right now.

4:23
Next, Rachael goes to Gloucester, the Massachusettsiest of all the Massachusetts-sounding towns in all the world. It is wicked Massachusettsy. Red Sox.

4:21
“Locals are enchanted with the cuisine.” This phrase is not used in Brooklyn very often. Here, it’s more like, “Locals will not shiv you over the cuisine.”

4:20
Was that mean? I don’t care. It’s 4:20 in the morning.

4:18
Rachael is in Portsmouth (literally: “there is port in my mouth”), New Hampshire (literally, “there is a shire in my hamp”). She’s at the Muddy River smokehouse, where men are men and women are also men.

4:14
My heat’s off. Is my heat always off now?

4:12
Back to Rachael, who’s eating lobster at the Algonquin. It is, as you might imagine, “ahhhb-so-LUTE-ly dah-LISH-ous.”

4:11
Holy cow! It’s a commercial for The Clapper! This has to be at least 15 years old. Is that a cassette player in there?

4:07
Also on TV at 4:07am:
CW: Frasier
ABC: News
CSPAN: An old man complaining
TV Guide Channel: an infomercial for Dermawand, the stick you put on your face.
PBS: An old man complaining

4:06
I woke up with “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” in my head. Tonight, thank god it’s me, INSTEAD OF YOOOOOOOOOU.

4:04
This narration is far too chirpy for four o’clock in the morning: “For a true Kennebunkport experience, cast your net at Mabel’s Lobster Claw!” It’s only missing a cheerleading pyramid.

4:01
THE SHOW: Tasty Travels
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Rachael eats her way across the Northeastern seaboard.

12:20
Okay. FN is airing repeats (Dinner Impossible, Paula’s Cookie Swap, etc.) straight through 4am. SO, I’m gonna break for a few hours and continue this then. That’s not cheating, right? I don’t think so. Either way, thank god I JUST DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE.

12:17
It’s now 12:17, and I don’t have a bit for this yet. Unless this running bit that I have no bit is actually the bit. Oh crap. The Le Cordon Bleu commercial again. Have I fallen asleep without knowing it? Is this a nightmare?

12:12
Okay, maybe not that.

12:07
Oh man. I’m gonna need a different angle for this one, fast. What if we made up a song to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “The Times, They Are A-Changin’”?
Come gather ’round firemen
Wherever you drink
And admit that you left your
dish in the sink.
And accept it that soon
You’ll be forced to think
About whose chicken
you’re pickin’.
So you better start eatin’
‘Cause it’ll be done in a wink.
For the Throwdown, it is a … goin’ down.

12:01am
THE SHOW: Oh no … the same Throwdown we saw three hours ago.
THE HOST: Still Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Still the Chicken Cacciatore thing.

Food Network Liveblog Marathon, Part 3 – 7:01pm to 12am

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:26 +0000

Welcome to the Food Network Liveblog/Running Diary, Part 3. (Part 1 over here, Part 2 here.) There are 9-1/2 hours down, with 9-1/2 to go. Just a fun reminder: I’m checking comments constantly, and will highlight favorites as we go along. So chime in! Can’t wait to read.

RSS subscribers, a quick note: these posts are being updated every few minutes, and subsequently, won’t appear on the feed in full. They are on the homesite, though, if you’d like to peruse.

P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.

12:00am
End of Part 3! On to the 4th and final part!

11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nope
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nope
VERDICT: 2/10, for infuriating me with … factory line footage.

11:58
Now profiling snackmakers Pirate’s Booty. It’s the same damn conveyor belt with different food on it. You won’t fool me, Summers!

11:52
Unwrapped is profiling organic grocery store Whole Foods, a.k.a. Whole Paycheck, a.k.a. That Place Where I Can’t Afford Apples. They’re trying to “dispel the myth that organic has to cost more.” Unmentioned: “sell $40 chicken legs.”

11:45
It’s a quarter to midnight and I’m drinking iced coffee. The hallucinations should start soon. My Christmas tree is already starting to look like a Tim Burton movie.

11:40
Alternate names for Unwrapped: The Conveyor Belt Show, People in Hairnets, White Owners/ Non-White Employees, and Drippy Chocolate.

11:33
The Husband-Elect and I have a private joke about this show in that sometimes, we have entire conversations using Marc Summers vocal inflections:
Me: “Hon, can you get me … a cup of coffee?”
Him: “Would you like … a little milk?”
Me: “Maybe also … a paper napkin?”
Him: “Of course, I’ll … be right back.”

11:31
THE SHOW: Oh god … Unwrapped.
THE HOST: Marc Summers
THE CONCEPT: How boring mass produced food is boringly made.

11:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero – Weird Al Yankovic shirts is Alton’s preferred look
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: sky high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 12/10, for being my TV boyfriend (with apologies to Tim Riggins).

11:27
Alton now preparing a Dutch Pancake, or, as it’s more commonly known, a Pancake That Pays for its Half of a Date.

11:25
How much I wanted to see “It’s Complicated” at the beginning of the day: 54%
Number of commercials for “It’s Complicated” seen today: approximately 30
How much I want to see “It’s Complicated” now: -4%

11:21
Holy … the recipe for Yorkshire pudding is almost exactly the same as the recipe for popovers! This show makes everyone smarter. Is there any doubt it’s the best on Food Network?

11:20
We have suddenly jumped to Yorkshire pudding, as defined in the 1500s. We have gone Back to the Future, and Doc Alton Brown is our guide, Marty.

11:15
The popovers are being filled with all kinds of disturbing things – fruit, ice cream, broth, etc. Where’s the butter? Where’s the jam? They are afraid and alone. Unfrozen Caveman Popovers.

11:12
Have those popover signs been popping up throughout they whole show? They have, haven’t they? I’m not a genius, then. I’m merely brilliant.

11:09
Oh! He’s buying a popover pan. He’s making popovers. I’m a genius. All hail me.

11:05
This is brilliant. Alton’s given us the show recipe’s ingredients, but hasn’t revealed the name of the recipe itself yet. We have to figure it out ourselves. He is the Will Shortz of TV chefs.

11:02
Alton is explaining flour, and he’s uncomfortably close to the camera. He has 257 eyebrow hairs.

11:00
THE SHOW: Good Eats! Finally!
THE HOST: Alton Brown!
THE CONCEPT: Cooking nerd schools us, is generally pretty great.

10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high – they’re volunteers
HEALTH QUOTIENT: they’ve been working out, so it’s okay
VERDICT: 6/10, for the lack of yelling.

10:57
Miss Brenda just got a look at her new home, and she’s stunned. The dining room almost knocked her over. What a sweet lady.

10:47
Fill in the blank! There is a disturbing amount of food _____:
A) stitting outside without refrigeration
B) in close proximity to the ground
C) being prepared by men whose primary talent is sweating

10:42
Irvine is hilariously reluctant to yell at his fellow volunteers. It’s like watching a pit bull with a Barbie jump rope tied around its muzzle.

10:40
In regard to Bobby Flay’s repeated Throwdown drubbings, reader Kat writes: “Challenging anyone and everyone to a Throwdown is getting slightly embarrassing, especially when you lose every dang time. I’m only trying to protect you, man.”

10:38
The manufactured drama in this show is freakin’ killing me. Have they ever not finished in time?

10:36
Our brown rug is now a brown rug with red spots. Merry Christmas!

10:31
Sweet and sour sauce spill. Back in a minute.

10:24
Ooo – I lied. This is an hour-long show. Irvine is safe … FOR NOW.

10:17
This show ends in 13 minutes and no one’s started cooking yet. They’re about to have some very angry Habitat for Humanitarians on their hands. And they have hammers.

10:14
Does everyone in Mississippi play banjo or blues guitar? Is that a prerequisite to live in the state? On Long Island, you have to know the lyrics to every Bill Joel song.

10:12
Robert is squaring off/doing a dance of love with the local soul food restaurant owner. If they’re not making out by the end of this, I will eat my own socks.

10:03
At the end of the show, they’re giving Brenda keys to her renovated home, which was ruined in Katrina in 2005. Y’know, we’ve been looking at pictures from the hurricane for three years now, and it’s still infuriating and sad.

10:00
THE SHOW: Dinner Impossible
THE HOST: Robert Irvine
THE CONCEPT: The Chef has to feed 1000 volunteers in Biloxi, Mississippi. He has nine hours.

9:58
End of show. Father Leo won, duh.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: pretty high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: fairly high, I guess. I’m flustered
VERDICT: 9/10, for avoiding the obvious holy cow jokes

9:58
The bed music sounds like it’s excerpted from Rocky 16: Rocky Goes to Crate & Barrel.

9:52
Dear Pope Benedict,
Hi there! How are you? So glad you seem to be doing well. I was just wondering – is there a way to incorporate more fajitas into the average mass? I promise I would go more often.
Hugs,
Kristen
P.S. I understand if you don’t want to dignify this with a response.

9:48
Father Leo’s secret marinade ingredient: “holy water.” And he was taught to chop by Mother Theresa. What a cool life, Batman.

9:43
Father Leo is a ham of the highest order. Can I say that? Will I still get into heaven?

9:41
We have entered Hour 12 of the blogathon. There is a butt-shaped jello mold where my actual butt used to be.

9:38
A haiku about Father Leo:
Awesome ninja priest
preaches peace but will nunchuk
you if provoked, dude.

9:33
Leo’s a breakdancing Catholic priest who loves cooking and has a third-degree black belt. He also has many, many religious cooking puns in his back pocket. Bobby is a dead man. And his soul isn’t too safe, either.

9:30
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby’s challenging a priest for the Best Fajita crown. Expect a lot of holy plays on words.

9:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – will the mustache suffice?
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: surprisingly relevant – there was a budgetary aspect to the challenge
HEALTH QUOTIENT: uh – okay, I guess
VERDICT: 7/10, for the mustache

9:27
The fire chief/referee has an incredible handlebar mustache not unlike this Emperor Tamarin.

9:22
Bobby’s adding honey to his tomato sauce. I’ve never seen that before. Italian grandmamas that read this blog: does this happen?

9:20
If my ears doth not deceive me, Keith just called his poultry “chicken bosom.” I’m using that from now on and claiming it as my own. No one will ever know. MUAHAHAHAHA.

9:19
But seriously, Keith ate him.

9:18
Oh, how I jest. Both men are still alive. Their fight will be fought in an arena of food.

9:15
Bobby walked into the firehouse to propose the challenge and Keith ate him. It was awful.

9:12
Big difference between Bobby and Keith’s cacciatore: Flay uses red wine, while the firefighter opts for white, figuring it goes better with chicken. I think I have to go with the Iron Chef here, folks. Red wine + tomatoes = party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.

9:10
Chicken cacciatore literally translates into “hunter’s chicken,” or “chicken that you caught with a big gun and then soaked in tomatoes until it’s bloody-looking.”

9:06
Do you have a distinctive accent? Does it get worse when you’re around your family? Mine does, and Bobby’s is too, the longer he hangs out with these New York firefighters.

9:01
New York City firehouse chef Keith Young is 6-foot-6, and has a Long Island accent that’s almost as big. He loves “protectin’ prah-petty” and “caw-melized onions.” I love his bald head.

9:00
THE SHOW: Throwdown
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: The Chef of note challenges a renowned Chicken Cacciatore cook to discover whose version is best.

8:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none – but the bird of paradise blouse made up for it
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: below absolute zero
VERDICT: 10/10 – insanely entertaining, y’all

8:54
Michael’s here! He’s dressed in a Santa suit to enhance his natural Santa-ness, and even in the jacket, it’s apparent he’s lost significant weight. Paula has too, come to think of it. Anyone know what they’re doing?

8:53
Paula is calling her decorator out for bringing store-bought cookies to the swap. The decorator looks mortified, like you just told her she has toilet paper stuck in her teeth.

8:52
Reader Robyn has an excellent question: “What happened to the lady who won the last Food Network Star?”

8:48
Y’all, we’re not done yet! Paula’s decking the halls in a tasty way. Or something. It’s late, and I just ate two pounds of sesame noodles.

8:44
Crossover alert! Paula’s brought in Bobby from HGTV. He’s teaching her how to wrap cookies all pretty-like, with ribbon and such. History Channel wishes it was this riveting.

8:38
If our first child is a boy, we’re naming him Paul Dean. He will be Southern, super gay, and totally delightful.

8:33
How do the Deens have so many family recipes? It seems like every dish has been in their family since the beginning of time. We have one family recipe, and it’s for wallpaper paste.

8:32
Jamie and Bobby sighting! They’re making … sand tarts? What the hell are they saying?

8:29
Seen today: Ina, Giada, Bobby, Tyler, Rachael, lots of Paula
Unseen today: Mario, Ace, Sara, Anne Burrell, Santa Claus, James Bond

8:22
The further we get into this show, the more apparent it’s become that Paula might be partaking in some Christmas spirits. I wish I could join her, but there are EIGHT HOURS OF BLOGGING LEFT. Eat your heart out, Jerry Lewis.

8:14
Also, they’re toasting nuts. Hee. Toasted nuts.

8:11
Hee. The lady cooking with Paula now is named Mrs. Susie Butts. In college, I worked making cold calls to hundreds of people with (really real) names like Warren Peace, Homer Simpson, John F. Kennedy, and Mrs. Shitrit.

8:06
Paula 2009 is the kind of grandma you’d introduce to all your friends, and then take to a champagne bar/drag club to hang out with ladies with names like Barbara Ghanoush and Honey Crisp. The next day, she’d disappear back to Georgia and you’d be sad for like, 100 years.

8:04
Time for another multiple choice question! Paula is wearing:
A) a brightly-colored shirt
B) Jimmy Buffet
C) several pomegranates
D) a Polynesian barbecue

8:02
Paula 2009 is SO MUCH MORE GLAM than Paula 2006. Whereas Paula 2006 probably enjoyed bridge and 60 Minutes, Paula 2009 would wear leather pants and tour with the Scissor Sisters.

8:01
THE SHOW: Paula’s Cookie Swap
THE HOST: Paula Deen
THE CONCEPT: Friends and family of the Deenster are dropping by with their favorite cookie recipes. Jamie and Bobby are here! Finally, y’all!

7:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zip
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: n/a
HEALTH QUOTIENT: n/a, unless you’re into eating trees
VERDICT: 5/10, for lack of terrifying Carrie juge and bizarre four-level pineapple tree topper that will never leave my nightmares

7:55
Edible Film Baker is getting reamed by the judges. (A pun! It’s a pun!)

7:52
L.A. guy just told his mom to clean up his mess! It’s a shocking parent/child role reversal and it’s making me uncomfortable. The familial hierarchy exists for a reason, people!

7:47
How I know the Husband-Elect is the right guy: he saw me after ten hours of blogging and didn’t scream “CRONE!” and run away to Timbuktu.

7:44
Staten Island baker is using an edible film paper, which I had no idea existed. I will be licking a lot more random paper now. Y’know, to test it out.

7:42
Question for readers: would you want to eat ornaments that have been shoved in a sap-filled Christmas tree? Where squirrels and birds might have lived? I suck on tinsel every now and then, so no judgment.

7:40
The Long Island baker’s brother is hilariously inept.
Interviewer: What do you like, David?
Brother: Sports and … uh, sports.
~~~
Brother (holding up ornament): Where should I put these?
Baker: It’s a Christmas tree, David.

7:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #2893752: If something can go wrong with a Food Challenge ingredient, it will. And it won’t be something you’d ever expect. “Oh no, my tortilla is too flaky!” “Oh no, my edible silver beads are too roll-ey!” “Oh no, my cream puffs are becoming too moist, which will disconnect them from the adhesive chocolate!”

7:30
Another baker basically took some lasagna ingredients, spray painted them, and threw them up wherever they’d fit. I’m not sayin’ I could do that, but I’m very good at sticking lasagna in trees.

7:22
One baker is making garland out of metal tubing and cream puffs. Another is doing it with amber sugar-covered chestnuts. These may end up tasting like roofing material, but they sure look good.

7:16
In New York, there’s a children’s behavioral adjustment program commercial that promises to fix your kid’s bad habits. One part claims it will even “turn your child’s attitude around in one minute or less.” Imagine the possibilities there. I imagine it will involve threats to send kids to China.

7:11
Food Network brought in the contestants’ parents and siblings in as special assistants, and there is immediate friction between the Staten Island mother/daughter pair. I hope this doesn’t devolve into Jersey Shore-style shenanigans. There’s not enough spray tan in the world.

7:10
Lisa Simpson is trying to find her way north, and Bart has a faucet stuck to his … damn, this isn’t the right channel.

7:06
There is a shocking lack of Carrie Whats-her-face, the terrifying British judge that usually reduces the contestants to weeping piles of mushy goo. It’s going to be up to the guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri (TGWTGASHWIGF), and I don’t think he has the cojones.

7:03
Today’s competitors are three New Yorkers and a dude from L.A. whose “mother would cry if [the tree] wasn’t pretty enough.” Has mom trained him well enough? Will the New Yorkers bring their crowbars? Can everyone make nice flowers? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.

7:01
THE SHOW: Food Network Challenge – Edible Ornaments
THE HOST: The guy with the glasses and spiky hair who isn’t Guy Fieri
THE CONCEPT: Cakemakers are taking real trees and covering them with edible ornaments

Food Network Liveblog Marathon, Part 2 – 2:01pm to 7:00pm

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:25 +0000

Welcome to the Food Network Liveblog/Running Diary, Part II. (Part I over here.) There are 4-1/2 hours down, with 14-1/2 to go. Just a fun reminder: I’m checking comments constantly, and will highlight favorites as we go along. So chime in! Can’t wait to read.

RSS subscribers, a quick note: these posts are being updated every few minutes, and subsequently, won’t appear on the feed in full. They are on the homesite, though, if you’d like to peruse.

P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.

7:00
Halfway done! Part 3 up next!

6:59
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nope
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10, for being easily distracted by BigTop Cupcake

6:57
Rachael makes a good point: always pull the bay leaves out of your food. Who among has not forgotten, and ended up with a mouthful of pointy leaf? (Uh … anyone?)

6:52
I stand corrected. Micro S’mores is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

6:49
Finally, something I can criticize without feeling terrible: Big Top Cupcake is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. IT’S A POINTY CAKE PAN, EVERYBODY.

6:41
Fun fact: food commercials use women in their 20s to play the mothers of tweens and teenagers. While this is totally possible, it makes it seem like real-life mothers should look much younger than they actually are. Which isn’t cool.

6:37
Rachael’s making gorgonzola-stuffed meatballs. If there were more recipes based on meat stuffed with cheese, we’d have world peace, a public health option, and money leftover for universal foot massages.

6:32
How you can tell this is late-period Rachael: much more eye makeup, shorter hair, increased fresh foods, better knife skills, a voice that’s clinging to audibility, motions exaggerated to the Nth power.

6:30
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: Dunno. Never heard of it.

6:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: infinitesimal
VERDICT: 8/10, for the face. I aspire to make that face someday.

6:25
Paula says the cobbler requires some “one on one personal time.” Between her, Nigella, and Giada, this is the sexiest day of food programming in history.

6:22
Blueberry Peach Cobbler is distinctly American in a great way. Eating it with Swiss steak and macaroni and cheese is distinctly American a not-so-great way.

6:17
Limerick time!
There once was a lady named Paula,
“More buttah, y’all!” she would holla,
Her restaurant took off-o
And her show was so boff-o
She earned a million and one dolla.

6:14
The show has stopped while feeds the mac and cheese to the camera. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

6:09
Paula melted half a stick of butter with several cups of grated cheddar cheese, dumped them into the crockpot, and spooned through it wearing an expression I can only describe as total human contentment. She is simultaneously delighting and scaring the crud out of me.

6:04
As a New Yorker, I have never had chicken fried steak. But I’ve also never had malaria. Is it worth it?

6:02
BEAR WITNESS! Paula is chopping a vegetable, y’all! I’m already in contact with Washington and lobbying for a national holiday.

6:01
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all
THE CONCEPT: This episode, it’s slow cooking.

5:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: barely visible from space
VERDICT: 4/10, for Pat’s brother and his ponytail.

5:56
Gina’s making margaritas. She’s into the tequila. We’re about to enter migraine territory.

5:52
Liveblogging health update: nine hours in, my back is starting to get a little twingey. I call it Futon Spine.

5:50
Brother Neely is making pulled pork, a secret diet food. By that, I mean: if you’re on a diet and find yourself at a barbecue joint, go for the pulled pork. It’s usually the lightest of all the meat choices, and you can customize the flavor with various sauces.

5:44
You know what? Maybe I’m looking at Down Home the wrong way. When I cook, it’s usually alone, and it’s usually quiet and methodical and relaxing. Others are more gregarious and make it more of a group activity. If that’s what the show is aiming for, it’s doing okay.

5:40
An analogy!
The Neelys are to total deafness as Kate Hudson romantic comedies are to _____.
A) brain damage
B) drooling
C) incontinence
D) all of the above

5:37
They’re smoking pork butts in the kitchen. We used to smoke butts in the kitchen in college. Then we smoked too many butts and had to quit. Smoking butts, I mean.

5:36
There’s a guest! A brother of Pat’s! And I like him! He’s speaking with his inside voice, is why.

5:31
THE SHOW: Down Home with the Neelys
THE HOST: Gina and Pat Neely
THE CONCEPT: A couple you might otherwise like is forced to yell as loudly as possible while making soul food.

5:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: none
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: umm … look over there! A shiny thing!
VERDICT: 10/10, for the appearance of the StandMixer. If Barefoot Contessa is Cheers, the StandMixer is Norm.

5:27
First the onions made Ina cry. Now she’s grilling on the beach, where it’s clearly windy and freezing. If she’s attacked by one of those labradoodles, I’m boycotting the Earth.

5:26
Joe Lieberman is a terrible, terrible person. Just sayin’.

5:20
Did you know Ina used to work on U.S. nuclear policy in Washington? I think that’s why her recipes don’t bomb. (HAHAHAHAHA … sorry.)

5:19
The more I watch this show, the more I think Ina looks like my mom. Maybe this is why I like her so much, and why I keep asking her for money.

5:11
A chocolate sheetcake is in the process of being baked. Normally, this would sound awesome. But I don’t know if it’s good to combine dogs and chocolate in a party setting. Y’know? The pugs have one drink too many, then they start teasing the Boston terrier, and before you know it, all the shih-tzus have poisoned themselves. Party over.

5:09
Ina has chopped at least three large onions, and is visibly tearing up. That’s no good. I will kill the onion that makes Ina cry. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED, ONIONS.

5:04
Remember, like, four hours ago? When Sandra Lee made potato salad using potato salad? Ina don’t play that way. She’s got her Adidas and Kangol on, she has her ghetto blaster turned to 11, and she’s cooking those dope spuds from scratch. Word.

5:02
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #83892: chug every time a TV chef adds nebulous “flavor,” without describing the qualities of said flavor. Ex: “This cupcake could use more flavor.” “Potatoes are great when they have flavor.” “My socks have a flavor.”

5:01
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa
THE HOST: Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: For this episode, it’s treats for people and their dogs.

5:00
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1! Finally! I thought I was taking crazy pills.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – baking is cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low – it’s a cookie show, man
VERDICT: 8/10 – for having biscotti that looks like it might actually be very good

4:57
Giada is hosting a cookie tasting party, and her friends and family are all abnormally hot. This is probably because they usually have asparagus tasting parties.

4:50
Giada is rolling out dough, and trying to fill the time with words. “I’m rolling out the dough. Rolling. Rolling. Uh … more rolling. Hm. Nice day today, right? How ’bout them Mets? More rolling.”

4:44
We live down the block from a pizza place that sells single slices in individual boxes. Our front stoop has become the garbage pail for the neighborhood kids, all of whom buy one on the way from school to the subway. Short of water guns, how do I solve this problem?

4:37
A Giada haiku:
Little big head chef
makes cookie log so pretty
we forget claw hand

4:34
Didn’t this woman just have a baby? How does she still look like a tiny Italian hourglass? (*curses the heavens*)

4:31
Giada just described a “decadent and deliciously adult cookie,” meaning the next half hour will see her either making Florentines or directing a porno.

4:30
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: This episode, Giads makes easy Italian-style cookies.

4:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: nada – cute short-sleeved pink top
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – flautas were deep fried
VERDICT: 7.5/10, for the fact that I want Mexican food now

4:26
She’s making Mexican soda! The bodegas in my neighborhood have these, and the colors are insane. They’re like drinking a B-52s album.

4:25
Sunny is a very sunny person, yes? If she was named Frowny, this would be an entirely different show.

4:24
19 hours of straight blogging, and there will be no Ace of Cakes. The lack of Duffness depresses and frightens me. So I will look at this dog making cookies to cheer me up.

4:20
Heh. It’s 4:20.

4:12
The last three – possibly four – shows have involved tempering/whisking eggs into a hot mixture. Is that intentional? Does Food Network pick really specific themes like that? Today, it’s tempering eggs. Tomorrow, it’s grinding coriander. The day after that, it’s sectioning a lemon on a snowy day if you live in a state ending with the letter “O.”

4:09
Fill in the blank time!
“Flauta” is the Spanish word for ______:
A) flute
B) to flout or express disdain
C) flatulence
D) ex-Bills quarterback Doug Flutie

4:04
Sunny’s telling us about her tattoo. True story: in college, I was out with a friend, and came fairly close to getting the Chinese symbol for moon tattooed on my lower back. I decided not to, went home and told my dad about it. His response: “So, let me get this straight. You were about to get a MOON tattoo two inches above your ass?” I have never been tempted by tattoos again.

4:01
THE SHOW: Cooking for Real
THE HOST: Sunny Anderson
THE CONCEPT: Cooking, really. For real. With realness.

3:59
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – rolled up sleeves again.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 7/10 – it’s been over for a minute, and I barely remember it. There was a rubber chicken, right? (Is that mean? I don’t want to be mean. I actually like Tyler a lot.)

3:52
“Boom!” is another one he’s uttered about 70 different times. Methinks Tyler Florence is actually Guy Fieri, and Guy Fieri was replaced with a lookalike English teacher. Up is down, left is right, people!

3:48
Also of note: Tyler hits food a lot, as in, “We’re gonna hit this with Cognac.” and “I’m gonna hit this with Herbs de Provence.” No lie, he just said it like, six times. Food abuse!

3:42
Tyler is making Coq au Vin, and his lapel mic is picking up the sound of sizzling every time he gets near his Dutch oven. You can hardly hear him above the noise, and it’s kind of hilarious.

3:36
“What would life be without bacon?” Tyler asks. A futile existence, my friend. A futile existence indeed.

3:33
Ack. He just called all-purpose flour “A.P.” (Or, “apey.”) How you know when acronyms don’t work: when they sound like another, more disgusting word.

3:31
Tyler is kicking the show off by berating a rubber chicken. This is gonna be good.

3:30
THE SHOW: Tyler’s Ultimate
THE HOST: Tyler Florence
THE CONCEPT: Tyler shows us how to make a classic dish in the best possible way.

3:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 – again, the rolled-up sleeve dominates
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-high, dude
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium, bro
VERDICT: 9/10, for being unexpectedly pretty great, dudebro

3:22
There is no elegant way to talk, whisk furiously, and sound composed at the same time. Everyone’s voice rattles like they’re riding a vacuum cleaner.

3:20
Guy’s dolmas are “doing time” in the oven. 15 to 20 for assault and grand theft auto, to be specific. Maybe they ARE bad boys.

3:14
Return of the rotisserie ad dad! He reminds me of Prince Humperdinck from Princess Bride. Somewhere (Gilder), a village is missing its cowardly noble.

3:12
I’m calling it: TV chefs calling pieces of food “bad boys” is officially over. Stuffed grape leaves are delicious, not delinquent.

3:09
He’s explaining why he didn’t salt Kalamata Couscous ahead of time: “because I wasn’t sure what the olives would bring to it.” This is the kind of information I want from a cooking show. From Guy Fieri. Who knew? (Also, it helps that he’s making dolma [stuffed grape leaves], one of my all-time favorite foods.)

3:03
Props to Guy: he doesn’t settle for saying an ingredient “will make this taste great!” He explains why you add certain seasonings and why you cook food a specific way. And he uses way less “Dude! This onion is radical awesome gnarly, bro!” than I thought he would.

3:02
The More You Know: I’m wearing no makeup, ill-fitting jeans and my beloved hooded sweatshirt, Big Green. If anyone saw me right now, they’d immediately turn to stone.

3:01
THE SHOW: Guy’s Big Bite
THE HOST: Guy Fieri (pronounced “Bob Jones-Smith”)
THE CONCEPT: Huge freaking food for giant freaking guys.

2:59
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though Bobby’s sleeves were rolled up.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium-low; steak is pricey, yo
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium; points for lots of fresh produce
VERDICT: 8/10, for the creative use of fruit and being able to smell the grill smoke all the way in my apartment.

2:57
Random people show up on Bobby’s rooftop to eat. If only such deliciousness was waiting at the top of every NYC fire escape, instead of the tar paper and Wire-style Mexican standoffs that are usually there.

2:51
Bobby is now mixing figs and red peppers in a delectable-sounding marinade. However, it looks like Buffalo Bill’s bathtub in Silence of the Lambs. “It puts the marinade on the skin or it gets the hose again.”

2:45
Chickpea Polenta, which Mr. Flay is making, is something I would like to eat right now. In my mouth. With my teeth and gums.

2:40
If Bobby wasn’t a cook, he’d be a ballplayer – probably a journeyman outfielder with a .270 average and 15 or 20 home runs a year. Fans would like him because he shows up early to practice, and managers respect him for his knowledge of the game. Three years after retiring, he’d take a job managing Double A, where he’d stay until the majors call him up in his mid-50s. After a few years as a hitting coach, he’d get the full-time manager’s job and win the World Series within three years. He’d always have a secret love of mango salsa, but would’t know why.

2:35
Unexpected, terrifying glitch with Blogger, seemingly overcome for now. If it craps out 10 hours into the marathon, I will go on a killing spree.

2:33
Bobby’s background music sounds like the chillout room at a ’90s rave. We have fallen into a K-hole of flavor, everyone.

2:31
THE SHOW: Boy Meets Grill
THE HOST: Bobby Flay
THE CONCEPT: Bobby Flay and a grill in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

2:29
End of show
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0. It was a lavender blouse.
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium
HEALTH QUOTIENT: medium
VERDICT: 5/10, for unexpected attention paid to health and frugality, but also making a potato salad out of a potato salad.

2:26
Multiple choice question time! Sandra is currently:
A) Showing us a tablescape with a three-foot, 30+ pound vase of flowers at the center.
B) Showing us ANOTHER new plate of those apricot cream desserts.
C) Showing us the molecular representation of sodium chloride.

2:21
Sandra is spooning hot apricots on to a delicate cream. You can see the cream itself dissolving as this happens. It looks like, in the following shot, the desserts have been replaced with new ones. I can’t say for sure this happened, but I think it happened.

2:12
On microwaving the potatoes: “You didn’t have to do any of that peeling, any of that monkey business.” I think she just compared potato peeling to sex. I guess both are dirty? And can take a few minutes? And at the end, you get delicious fries?

2:10
“I want to talk to you about making great potato salad without all the work.” She is starting with pre-cooked potatoes already seasoned with rosemary and garlic. This is like saying, “The first step is making an awesome cake is to buy an awesome cake.”

2:05
Aunt Sandy’s hair is styled very Farrah Fawcettly. Which brings another question to mind: when I don’t wear my hair back when I cook, it gets in the food. (Mmm … hair chili.) Is this a concern of TV chefs?

2:02
The theme is wisteria. So naturally, the first dish is a Fig and Goat Cheese Quesadilla. Leave your logic at the door, ladies and germs.

2:01
THE SHOW: Semi-Homemade … you knew it was coming.
THE HOST: Sandra Lee
THE CONCEPT: 70% store-bought ingredients, 30% fresh ingredients, 100% yarg.

Food Network Liveblog Marathon, Part 1 – 9:30am to 2:00pm

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:25 +0000

Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Food Network Liveblog Marathon! We had such a ball doing the Biggest Loser finale last week, I figured a 19-hour running diary of Food Network’s entire broadcast day would be nice way to extend the good times.

Most of this is just for fun, and to see how many ¾-sleeve sweaters I can spot, but I’ll also be keeping a close eye on how Food Network addresses the issues of health and frugality throughout the course of its normal schedule. This will involve a few holiday-oriented shows and possible multiple viewings of Paula’s Cookie Party, so don’t forget to cut ‘em some slack.

Feel free to chime in, too! I’ll be checking comments constantly, and highlighting my favorites as we go along. Criticism is good as long as it’s not personal or too mean. Funny is encouraged.

P.S. As with the BL Liveblog, this will go backwards, with the most recent commentary appearing up top.

1:59
On to Part II – 2:01pm to 7:00pm!

1:58
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: zero
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: er … pretty low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: um … also low
VERDICT: 10/10. It’s Ina, and dissent will not be tolerated.

1:57
Jeffrey is playing a trick on Ina, to make her think he ate all the food. This is cruel and unnecessary. Also, I don’t know how to spell “unnecessary.”

1:51
The lobster pies were just dubbed “rustic.” In cooking, is “rustic” a synonym for “messy”? If so, my apartment is very rustic.

1:49
Ina wants us to place pastry dough in the fridge for 30 minutes “to chill and relax.” Unmentioned: “to light up some doobage and listen to Steve Miller albums on shuffle.”

1:42
She is now making lobster pot pies. I was taught to appreciate fresh-from-the-animal lobster meat from a very young age, and always hesitate to use it in any recipe. I mean, what if I mess it up? And why would I want to dilute lobster flavor? But I’m going with this, Ina. I trust you. Be careful with my heart.

1:40
Ina is visiting her fishmonger. I like to picture her being personal friends with her various mongers, and at the end of every year, they all have a giant monger party. Where they mong out, presumably.

1:36
Ina is wearing a black button-down instead of her usual denim one. If you’re not a regular viewer, this means nothing to you, but if you are, it’s a plot twist on par with The Sixth Sense.

1:34
Husband-Elect, are you reading this? If so, can we go to Ina’s kitchen for our honeymoon? I will let you have the Gandalf ice carving if you say yes.

1:32
She’s making chocolate gelato. For Jeffrey, of course. CURSE YOU, JEFFREY!

1:31
THE SHOW: Barefoot Contessa! WOOOO!
THE HOST: the lovely Ina Garten
THE CONCEPT: incredible food served by a woman you want to hang out with ALL THE TIME

1:28
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though the sleeves of her regular sweater were rolled up
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high
HEALTH QUOTIENT: negative numbers
VERDICT: 7/10, for too many “yummos’

1:26
On a related note, do you ever wonder if RR narrates her everyday movements when she’s at home? “Well, I’m goin’ to pick up my toothpaste like this. Awesome! Then I’m going to grab my toothbrush like this. Yummo! Now I’m gonna bring it up to my mouth, and run it back and forth across my teeth. All right! And we end by spitting the froth into the sink. Big finish!”

1:21
Toffee Hot Cocoa was just described as “SUPER delicious.” Just once, I want a TV chef to say, “You know what? It’s a broccoli recipe. It tastes slightly better than burlap, but if we don’t get some veggies in our diets, we’ll die.”

1:19
Rachael is excellent at remaining upbeat. When you’re makin’ TV, it’s really, really tough to turn on the cheer when you’re not feeling it. But she manages. I dig that.

1:14
A haiku for Rachael:
You carry so much
but is that nutmeg ever
a burden too heavy?

1:11
We’re having “ahh-some wanh-ffles” here everybody, but not before we eyeball the molasses.

1:06
Whenever RR asks us to “eyeball” something, I picture pouring the item (fennel, cloves, oil, etc.) on our actual eyeballs. This is not the intended meaning, I understand, but … need more coffee.

1:03
Rachael is making sausage, and her accent (”sah-sidge”) is making me miss my friends in Rochester and Buffalo. (*sniff*) You guys, lean ground chicken breast reminds me of you.

1:00
THE SHOW: 30-Minute Meals
THE HOST: Rachael Ray
THE CONCEPT: A nice woman from Western New York makes a meal in an unmentioned allotment of time.

12:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1 (You can always count on Giada.)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: medium; risotto is cheaper than you think
HEALTH QUOTIENT: pretty low
VERDICT: 10/10, for much-appreciated gratuitous use of champagne

12:57
For dessert, it’s Raspberry Limoncello Champagne and an Espresso Panna Cotta. Forget plain ol’ pregnancy. These will get you a Duggar-style reality show on TLC.

12:51
I love that PR folks think well enough of CHG to send us offers, but … uh … my name is Kristen. Not Christine. And I don’t have kids. And I hate mayonnaise. Just sayin’.

12:48
Champagne Risotto with Asparagus is G’s next date night recipe. (P.S. The theme of this show is “Date Night.” Now you know.) Served with Chiarello’s Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and Nigella’s Espresso Martini, there is a 100% chance you will be pregnant by the end of the night.

12:46
This is the 37 millionth time the Le Cordon Bleu commercial is airing, and it’s only 12:46. If I hear, “Get your career cooking … LITERALLY!” one more time, I will literally jump through the TV and broil that guy.

12:42
Giada’s “this is so good” claw: check.
Giada’s tasting O-face: check.
Still waiting for first pronunciation of “pan-CHET-tha.”

12:37
Giada is frying some oysters. When she’s done, they will be “sweet and tender, which is how your date will act after he eats them.” I assume this means my date will also be breaded and covered in marinara sauce.

12:34
My Ma is as Irishiest of Irish ladies, but insists on pronouncing Latin and Italian foods as they would be in the native language. This means “mozzarella” is “mooz-a-dell” and “parmesan” is “parrrr-mi-jhan.” Giada also does this. Giada is my Ma.

12:32
Giada starts out with panna cotta, or translated, “there’s a cot in my pan.”

12:31
THE SHOW: Everyday Italian
THE HOST: Giada DeLaurentiis
THE CONCEPT: Hot, talented chef makes authentic Italian dishes and funny tasting faces.

12:29
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0, though her blouse has shorter sleeves, y’all
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high, y’all
HEALTH QUOTIENT: super, super low, y’all
VERDICT: 9/10, for gentility, y’all

12:23
Gingerbread Michael (Paula’s husband) has white chest hair, a mohawk, and appears to be wearing a diaper. How does Real Michael feel about this?

12:19
Edit – Paula is making gingerbread men AND women. Later, they will create gingerbread babies together, unless they use gingerbread prophylactics.

12:12
Paula’s making Gingerbread Men, and “when we come back, I’m gonna show you how we bring these little [guys] to life.” This is going to involve lightning and tiny brain transplants, isn’t it?

12:06
Analogy time!
Paula Deen is to Fantasy Grandma as George Clooney is to _______.
A) Fantasy Boyfriend
B) Fantasy Shortstop
C) Fantasy Island

12:04
How you can tell this is an early episode: wrinkles, natural lighting, no cackling, zero appearances by Bobby and Jamie. I miss the cackling, y’all.

12:02
Butter count: 1 stick so far.

12:00
THE SHOW: Paula’s Home Cooking
THE HOST: Paula Deen, y’all!
THE CONCEPT: Today, it’s cookies. But most days, it’s butter. Just butter.

11:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 0 (it was full-length)
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: high – nothing was outrageous
HEALTH QUOTIENT: very low – I question serving some of these to kids as dinner
VERDICT: 6/10, for questionable usage of vessels

11:58
Robin blended strawberries and yogurt, and I thought for sure it was going to be a smoothie. But she poured it in a bowl, so now it’s a soup. If she poured it in a votive glass, would it be a candle?

11:52
Chopping montage! In general, wouldn’t cooking would be much more awesome if all our chopping was set to Michael Jackson? Here, try it.

11:50
Good tip from Robin: make vinaigrettes and dressings in the bottom of the salad bowl, then toss everything afterward.

11:45
Once and for all: is cumin pronounced “keeyou-min” or “coo-min”?

11:43
We’ve moved on to Mexican fondue, meaning cheese, spinach, artichokes, and salsa melted together. I’m still deciding how I feel about this. Also: “take it to a whole new level” should be retired permanently, as should “outside the box.”

11:36
Robin is having a tough time lifting her skillet. I can relate, having the upper body strength of a fetal chihuahua.

11:32
Robin is searing some scallops, and she just poured a dang gallon of olive oil into a large skillet. Look, I know olive oil is one of the healthier cooking fats, but 1/4 cup per serving doesn’t do anyone any good. (Now getting off my high horse before I hurt myself.)

11:31
THE SHOW: Quick Fix Meals
THE HOST: Robin Miller
THE CONCEPT: Week-long dinners for busy families, with Oprah-esque theme song.

11:30
End of show. How you know: the wine comes out, and Mike changes into a red t-shirt under a charcoal grey blazer. Very Napa.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1/2
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: low
HEALTH QUOTIENT: low
VERDICT: 8/10, for Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu and general attractiveness

11:27
Why don’t the Food Network hosts ever wash their own pots and pans? They should have a show made up entirely of Ina Garten and Bobby Flay doing dishes. I guarantee it would be a ratings winner.

11:23
He just poured about a cup of red wine into risotto, making it look like brains. Delicious, delicious brains. Again, the ugly/tasty paradox has been proven.

11:19
While I like Michael Chiarello, he suffers a bit from John Kerry Syndrome: you know he’s totally great at what he does, but you don’t necessarily want to have a beer with him.

11:15
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #5739: Drink whenever a host claims he/she is “going somewhere,” “checking the market out,” or “has some errands to run” during the commercial break. We know you need more than four minutes to hit up the orchard, Chiarello.

11:13
Up next: a Peppermint Chocolate Tiramisu. I have never heard a finer collection of words. (P.S. Did you know “tiramisu” means “pick me up”? Me neither. Thanks, Mike!)

11:12
Currently, he’s adding a TON of ground fennel to already fennel-heavy roast. Moderate amounts of fennel are always appreciated, but this looks like it’s going to taste like a bag of black licorice exploded in your mouth.

11:10
Chiarello isn’t wearing a 3/4-sleeve sweater, but his pullover sleeves are rolled up to just under the elbow. Does that count?

11:09
Coffee procured! Urge to kill … fading.

11:04
So far, this is an onion- and beet-heavy show. Not kid food, apparently. In first grade, either of those words would have thrown me into total gag reflex failure.

11:01
THE SHOW: Easy Entertaining
THE HOST: Michael Chiarello
THE CONCEPT: “Formal fare in your formalwear.” Clever boy.

10:59
End of show.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: a shocking 0
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: good – salad and tamales are pretty cheap
HEALTH QUOTIENT: nada, though points for trying with the salad
VERDICT: 7/10, for gratuitous shots of blending.

10:55
Emeril’s jacket has remained perfectly clean through the entire show, despite making salad, mac and cheese, tamales con queso, and cheesecake. No mess at all. I would look like Pizza the Hut after a day like that.

10:52
Have you seen the ice cream sandwich bench? It’s $950, though if Trading Spaces has taught me anything, you can make it at home with $15.62 and a bedsheet.

10:49
Can I tell you how much I love it when Emeril adds alcohol to recipes? Everyone in the audience cheers like crazy, as if to say, “WOO! This flan is gonna get us totally sploshed!”

10:46
Holly from Ohio is the next winner of Emeril’s Say Cheese contest, and she has a very, very red kitchen. Like, all her appliances and countertops are a fiery crimson. Wouldn’t that make you angry when you’re cooking? Like you’re in Hell’s Kitchen? “Don’t TALK TO ME when I’m making CHEESECAKE, DAMMIT!”

10:43
Time for a multiple choice question! What kind of degree does Doc Gibbs have?
A) Funkiness MD
B) A PhD in smoothosity
C) A doctorate in jazz hands
D) Gastroenterology

10:40
As Emeril rolls his second tamale, I find my mind wandering to faraway places. Like Morocco. Were fez hats just decorative, or did they have a purpose? They don’t shade the eyes or protect the head very well, so I’m figuring they were invented for aesthetic purposes. In a related story, I think it’s time for some coffee.

10:37
Another ugly-but-delicious food: refried beans. We can all agree it looks like baby puke, right?

10:33
Emeril is making tamales con queso, and keeps asking for “lahwd.” I wondered why he would be using the lord in his cooking, until it occurred to me that he’s saying “lard.”

10:32
Food Network Drinking Game, Rule #437: take a shot every time you wonder how a food show can pay for a full band. You’ll be sploshed inside an hour.

10:30
Re: Emeril’s accent. He’s from Boston, right? Because it sounds so Brooklyn sometimes, I imagine him selling me knockoff sunglasses on the corner by the Halal Chinese Food place.

10:27
Emeril is stirring white-gray crabmeat into a yellow-gray macaroni and cheese mixture. You know that scene in Empire Strikes Back, when Han makes Luke a bed out of TonTon intestines? It looks like that. Which is okay, because sometimes ugly food is the best food. (See: eggplant.)

10:23
Bathroom dilemma, solved. Thank god for commercials. Did you guys need to know that? Also of note: my computer is resting on a hummus tub so the bottom won’t overheat. In Brooklyn, we work with what we have, folks.

10:20
Augh! The vertical rotisserie ad is back so “Dad” can school us some more. I think I’ve found my nemesis for the day.

10:18
Emeril is both a “spoon guy” and a “whisk fan.” Can you be both? Is that like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets?

10:16
Emeril is running a “Say Cheese” recipe contest. Pam from Maryland is a winner, and she reminds me of every nurse or teacher’s assistant I’ve ever met. Pam is using crab in her macaroni and cheese, which “kicks [it] up to notches unknown.” NOTCHES UNKNOWN.

10:11
Speaking of golf, what happens now that Tiger is in the permanent doghouse? I imagine curling will finally have its day as THE sport for people who don’t like sudden movements.

10:08
We’re watching a split screen of the blonde mom and Emeril blending a dressing. It’s still more interesting than golf.

10:06
First tip, from an at-home video segment with a blonde mom: “Never walk away from your pine nuts.” Truer words, never spoken. How many times have I set them to toast and sniffed the air three minutes later all like, “What’s burning?”

10:05
The theme of the show is cheese. I can get behind this.

10:00
THE SHOW: Emeril Live!
THE HOST: Emeril Lagasse
THE CONCEPT: The godfather of TV cheffery hosts a cooking show in front of a live audience, says “BAM” a lot. There’s a band, too.

9:58
Nigella ends the show scarfing potatoes on a crimson couch by a roaring fire, while angels play smooth jazz in the background. This is a Luther Vandross video.
3/4-SLEEVE SWEATERS: 1
FRUGALITY QUOTIENT: nothing too expensive here
HEALTH QUOTIENT: We’ll let it slide. It’s a Christmas show.
VERDICT: 10/10, for sexiness

9:54
We’re up to fully loaded baked potatoes. Cooked by candlelight, naturally. I’ve never been attracted to a potato before today, but somehow, Nigella is making them look sexy. Maybe because she just “splodged” them with sour cream, and now – I swear to god – is “forking them together.”

9:52
It’s not even time for Price is Right, and Nigella’s guests are eating Christmas tree cakes and getting sploshed on espresso martinis. I want to go to there.

9:50
Her strata is (direct quote): “Like a toasted cheese sandwich, but a celestial one, as if eaten by angels.” If heaven is filled with grilled cheese sandwiches, I will feel a lot better about death.

9:47
Unconsidered when planning 19-hour blogging marathon: when do I go to the bathroom?

9:45
Nigella’s cake batter is “perfectly plain, but anything but austere.” Husband-Elect just kissed me goodbye and went to work. Are these related somehow?

9:43
A Nigella haiku:
Oh, metric system
You make baking funny with
your grams and liters

9:40
“Let Dad school you with a vertical rotisserie.” is a sentence I never hoped to hear, in a commercial or otherwise.

9:37
This entire show is candlelit and set to saxophone jazz. I think Food Network is trying to seduce me.

9:35
Nigella’s casual vocabulary is my favorite. She’s making jam, and has described it as “fiery crimson” and “volcanically boiling.” This is the stuff that goes with peanut butter, right?

9:32
Nigella is sploshing cider vinegar into sugar. I enjoy sploshing. Someday, I hope to splosh my way into college.

9:30
THE SHOW: Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen
THE HOST: British cook/woman I’d date if I went that way, Nigella Lawson
THE CONCEPT: homemade Christmas gifts

T-minus 24 minutes…

Feed the World, Part II: More Holiday Food Donations and Volunteering Ideas

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:24 +0000

This was originally posted in December 2008. It’s the sequel to this post, with entirely different websites.

For your holiday reading pleasure, we’ve compiled a list of 33 more sweet philanthropies. Like 2007’s list, there’s a special emphasis placed on food and water organizations (it’s a cooking blog, after all), with a few extras added in just for fun. So, if you’re looking to make a donation in a beloved foodie’s name, you can’t go wrong starting here. Merry Christmas, everybody!

GLOBAL FOOD ORGANIZATIONS

AIDtoCHILDREN
This site includes a vocabulary game, with the proceeds going directly toward WorldVision, a philanthropic org focusing primarily on poverty-stricken kids.

Association for India’s Development
“(AID) is a volunteer movement committed to promoting sustainable, equitable and just development … AID initiates efforts in various interconnected spheres such as education, livelihoods, natural resources, health, women’s empowerment and social justice.” – Charity Navigator description

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation
Bill recently retired from Microsoft to throw all his energy into this, one of (if not THE) largest private philanthropic organization on Earth. Foodies might be particularly interested in Nutrition initiatives, Priority Diseases and Conditions (many of which are related to drinking water), and Emergency Relief. The fund doesn’t generally accept donations directly, but you CAN contribute to grantee organizations, which can be found here.

Bread for the World
A bi-partisan Christian philanthropy that welcomes and assists folks of all faiths, Bread for the World encourages advocacy and action to help end hunger at home and abroad.

CARE
CARE’s mission is helping the poorest of the poor A) survive, and B) eventually learn to sustain themselves. Food-wise, they focus on nutrition, agriculture, water, sanitation, and emergency relief in places like Afghanistan, Angola and El Salvador.

Central Asia Institute
“CAI’s mission: To promote and support community-based education, especially for girls, in remote regions of Pakistan and Afghanistan.”

charity: water
This Jennifer Connelly-supported philanthropy helps provide clean drinking water and safe wells to communities around the world.

Compassion
If any of y’all read Rocks in my Dryer, you know Shannon sponsored a little boy through Compassion, a Christian organization aiding kids in Africa, and got the chance to visit Uganda to meet him. Her story and pictures are positively inspiring, and there are more details on Compassion’s website on getting involved.

FreeRice.com
It’s a word game! It’s a philanthropy! It’s both in one! Each time you answer a FreeRice vocabulary question, you donate 20 grains of the stuff to the U.N.’s World Food Program.

Heifer International
Heifer International gives livestock (and plants) to disadvantaged families as the foundation of a sustainable and independent livelihood. The animals provide sustenance (as milk, eggs, or sometimes meat) and an opportunity for income. Also, as animals tend to make more animals, it’s a gift that grows and builds wealth.

Idealist.org
While Idealist isn’t so much an organization as an umbrella website for non-profits around the world, it IS a fabulous place to research volunteering opportunities, donation possibilities, and even job openings. There are special search categories for farming, agriculture, poverty, and hunger if you’d like to keep it food-relevant.

Kiva
A microlending organization connecting individuals directly to the folks they’re donating to, Kiva is one of (if not THE) first website of its kind. What happens is this: you choose an entrepreneur anywhere in the world and loan them a pre-designated amount of cash. Over time, they grow their business, lift themselves out of poverty, and pay you back. I’ve been a member since 2007, and can’t say enough good things.

Partners in Health
In 2007, I read the best biography I’ve ever laid my eyes on, Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder. It’s about the life of Dr. Paul Farmer, a U.S. physician who’s dedicated everything to providing health care for the poorest of the poor around the world. Partners in Health is his baby. It’s done wide-scale wonders in Haiti and Russia, and is now moving on to Rwanda with the help of TED and Bill Clinton. If you’re interested, volunteering and donation information can be found here, and I can’t recommend the book highly enough.

The Tap Project
“Lack of clean and accessible drinking water is the second largest worldwide killer of children under five. To address this situation, a nationwide effort is launching during World Water Week called the Tap Project, a campaign that celebrates the clean and accessible tap water available as an every day privilege to millions, while helping UNICEF provide safe drinking water to children around the world.”

UN World Food Program
Focusing on emergency situations, relief and rehabilitation, development, and special operations, the UN World Food Program feeds millions of people in dozens of countries worldwide.

World Hunger Year
Simply, “WHY advances long-term solutions to hunger and poverty by supporting community-based organizations that empower individuals and build self-reliance, i.e., offering job training, education and after school programs; increasing access to housing and healthcare; providing microcredit and entrepreneurial opportunities; teaching people to grow their own food; and assisting small farmers.” Nice.

NATIONAL

Americans for Fairness in Lending
AFFIL is a consumer advocate group that “exists to raise awareness of abusive credit and lending practices and to call for re-regulation of the industry.” Their website is up to its eyeballs in useful information, including gobsmacking stats on how minority-heavy neighborhoods are specifically targeted for high-interest loans.

Bake Me a Wish
Bake Me a Wish is a New York-based baking business that ships the sugary confections to and from U.S. troops overseas. While not a philanthropy per se, you can make donations.

Canstruction
“Teams of architects, engineers, and students mentored by these professionals, compete to design and build giant structures made entirely from full cans of food. … At the close of the exhibitions all of the canned food used in the structures is donated to local food banks for distribution to emergency feeding programs that include pantries, soup kitchens, elderly and day care centers.” How neat is that?

Charity Wines
It’s an age-old question: how can one drink profusely, support her favorite shortstop, and donate to a major philanthropic organization all at once? The answer, my friends, is Charity Wines.

The Girl Scouts
I was a member of GSoA from age eight through my senior year of high school, and I loved every single second of it. Girls Scouts exposed me to cultures, people, and experiences I never would have met or seen otherwise. 14 years later, I’m still friends with half the women in my troop, many of whom have kids of their own. There might be brownies or juniors combing your ‘hood slinging Samoas right about now, and while they’re not exactly the healthiest foods in the world, the money goes to one of the best organizations on the planet. Indulge.

Louie’s Kids
Louie’s Kids “is a tax-exempt, nonprofit organization that raises funds to help treat childhood obesity … [it] works to find the best treatment options to meet the needs of each child.”

NFL Play 60
To sum, “NFL Play 60 is a health and fitness initiative created by the National Football League to inspire kids to play for 60 minutes a day and eat well … In addition to national reach through PSAs and online programs, Play 60 is also implemented at the grassroots level through NFL’s in-school, after-school and team-based programs all with a focus on the importance of physical fitness and healthy lifestyles.”

Ronald McDonald House
Some branches are run much better than others (see this Charity Navigator page), but their mission – to promote childhood health and assist seriously ill kids – is a solid one.

Share Our Strength’s Great American Bakesale
In GAB’s own words, it’s “a national campaign that mobilizes Americans to end childhood hunger by holding bake sales in their communities.” This seems like a really good opportunity to get kids involved with volunteering, too.

LOCAL

Bread & Life
A Catholic food charity based out of Brooklyn since 1982, B&L’s mission is “to bring food to the poor and accompany them on their journey to wholeness by providing necessary services.” They have a pantry, soup kitchen, mobile soup kitchen and are involved with nutrition counseling and community supported agriculture, as well.

Capital Area Food Bank of Texas
When Hurricane Ike devastated large swaths of the Lone Star State, and CAFBT was right in there, helping with aid and supplies.

Charity Navigator’s Food Bank Page
CN’s received several mentions here before, but this particular page will point you directly to food pantries and distribution services in your area, from Alameda to West Texas. The star ratings will tell you how efficiently run your particular bank is, so you can pick and choose as you like.

Food Gatherers
Based in Ann Arbor, Food Gatherers “exists to alleviate hunger and eliminate its causes in our community by: reducing food waste through the rescue and distribution of perishable and non perishable food; coordinating with other hunger relief providers; educating the public about hunger; and developing new food resources.” Aces.

Food Lifeline
Seattleites, listen up! “Each year Food Lifeline rescues and distributes nearly 22 million pounds of food to its network of food banks, meal programs and shelters in 17 counties of Western Washington, feeding nearly 600,000 hungry people.”

Forgotten Harvest
A rescue-and-distribute system serving the greater Detroit area, FH saves about eight million pounds of food per year from restaurants, caterers, etc, to donate to people in need.

Humane Society of Missouri
Last year, the HSoM rescued 360 abused animals from a single property. They can be supported through this site.

One Dollar Diet Project, supporting the Encinitas Community Resource Center.
In 2008, Christopher and Kerri, two American social justice teachers, attempted to survive on $1 worth of food per day (each) for an entire month. This year, they have a book! Neat.

Readers, any suggestions? Add ‘em in the comments!

(Photos courtesy of Business Week, UW, Omaha Forums, and Muscatine.)

Feed the World: Holiday Food Donations and Volunteering

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:21 +0000

This is a repost from December 2007. But, y’know. It still applies. Also, just a reminder: starting tomorrow at 9:30am, CHG is liveblogging a full day of the Food Network. Tune in! Turn on! (Don’t drop out.)

Once upon a time (1984), in a land far, far away (England), there lived a thin, dyspeptic pop star named Bob Geldof. Now, Bob was a good pop star, but at the time, fairly unknown in world-saving circles. Then, one day, he happened to stumble across a BBC report on the famine in Ethopia, where hundreds of thousands of poverty-stricken Africans were dying for lack of food and medicine. Shaken by the conditions of these poor, oppressed people, Bob decided to do something about it.

Using all his thin, dyspeptic pop star powers, young Geldof assembled a mighty group of famous U.K. musicians (Bono, Sting, Paul McCartney), not-quite-as-famous U.K. musicians (Jody Watley, the guy from Spandau Ballet), soon-to-be-infamous U.K. musicians (George Michael, Boy George), and dubbed them Band Aid. Together, they recorded “Do They Know it’s Christmas,” the most powerful charity Christmas song since “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (which, as everyone knows, paid for Rudolph’s therapy following decades of emotional abuse by his fellow sleigh-pullers).

Ultimately, the accomplishments of “Do They Know it’s Christmas” are too numerous to mention, so I’ll attempt to sum. It:

Rocked the airwaves unlike any holiday tune before it.
Gave humanity the worst Christmas lyric of all time (“Tonight, thank god it’s them instead of you.“)
Raised a humongous amount of cash for people who really needed it.

Even now, 23 years later, Simon LeBon and various members of Bananarama are inspiring generations of Kmart shoppers and light FM listeners to consider donating to charity. And that’s what’s beautiful about “Do They Know it’s Christmas” – it’s an enduring reminder that innocent people are still suffering. While many of us are lucky enough to have families to visit, warm places to sleep, and good food to eat during the holidays, lots of folks don’t. And it’s important we do what we can, like young (now old) Geldof before us.

So, this Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or whatever, consider lending some time and/or hard-earned cash to charitable organizations around the globe. It will make many people very happy, and happy is good.

In fact, here are a few ideas to getchoo started. They’ve all been listed on the site before, and most have either been reported on fairly extensively or rated by Charity Navigator.

Happy holidays!

FEED THE TROOPS

Any Solider
Fulfill a soldier’s request for supplies, food, and ways to pass the time.

The USO
Check out their FAQ for more info, or just peruse the site, which is intuitive and informative

Treat the Troops
Jeanette Cram has baked over 640,000 cookies for soldiers overseas. Help her fund the effort.

FEED YOUR NEIGHBORS

The Food Trust’s Supermarket Campaign
Inner-city citizens need fresh food. The Supermarket Campaign is here to help.

Food Bank for New York City
FBNYC helps hungry Big Apple-ites in each of the five boroughs.

Donors Choose
Fund the activity/teacher of your choosing. I linked to the “food” ideas here, but really the whole site is worth a look.

The Society of St. Andrew
SoSA focuses on the distribution of healthy, inexpensive food (with an emphasis on produce) to hungry kids and families nationwide.

Feeding America
The mother ship to hundreds of smaller food banks, Feeding America (formerly Second Harvest) feeds millions of hungry U.S. citizens a year.

God’s Love We Deliver
This is a tri-state area based volunteer group that buys, cooks, and delivers meals to seriously ill men, women, children.

Your local house of worship
Peruse the activities at your local shrine to see how you can pitch in.

FEED THE WORLD

Action Against Hunger
AAH assists the needy in more than 40 countries in Africa, Asia, and South America, with special focus on water and aid during crises.

American Red Cross
The mothership.

Mushroom Bhaji (Mushrooms in Tomato-Onion Sauce): The Album

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:20 +0000

PRE-POST NOTE #1: Today on Serious Eats, it’s a holiday gift guide for Healthy Eaters. From nonstick skillets to Zombie t-shirts about the Slow Food movement, the list is sure to satisfy every nutritionally concerned cook you know and love.

PRE-POST NOTE #2: This Wednesday! I’m liveblogging (or running diarying or whatever you want to call it) Food Network for an entire broadcast day. It’ll begin at 9:30am and end when the first infomercial airs 19 hours later. It’d be sweet to read your comments as the day goes on, so tune in! But first, today’s post…

If I released an album about Mushroom Bhaji, it would have the following tracks on it:

“Be My Bhaji”
“Bhajicuda”
“Me and Bhaji McGee”
“Bhajombs Over Baghdad”
“Message in a Bhajottle”
“Bhajemian Rhapsody”
“Knowing You, Knowing Bhaji”
“Bhajilly, Don’t Lose That Number”
“The Bhajattle of Who Could Care Less” (or “The Bhajittle of Evermore,” depending on whether you prefer Ben Folds or Led Zeppelin)
and
“The Mushroom Dance”

Of course, songs would be sung by The Bhajeatles, David Bhajowie, and Bhajob Dylan. We would listen to it in Bhajoca Raton and eat bhajananas, but only after seeing our favorite movie, The Curious Case of Bhajimin Bhutton.

All this is a roundabout way of saying that I really liked Mushroom Bhaji. It doesn’t rip your head off with in-your-face flavor, and it’s not a 100% authentic Indian recipe. But it is warm, hearty, cheap, vegetarian, and stupidly easy to make. You can even forget to add the salt ‘til last (*cough cough*), and everything still ends up okay. (Don’t cry, tall, pale, food blogging lady who did that. It’s going to be all right.)

While the taste is earthy and lovely, the real winner here is the texture. You know how button mushrooms usually shrink to an eighth of their size, and lose all semblance of bite in the process? Not these, which remain meaty the whole way through. Their heartiness lends heft to a dish that might have otherwise seemed insubstantial.

Of course, if you should try Mushroom Bhaji yourself, know the following:

1) Don’t fear the jalapeno. I reduced mine, thinking it would be too spicy. In retrospect, I should have used it all, since it mellows in the stewing process.

2) Don’t throw out the mushroom stems! You can chop ‘em up and save them for omelets, where nobody knows the difference.

3) For even better savings, wait until mushrooms go on sale. I bet you can get this recipe under a dollar per serving.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to drive my Bhajentley around Bhajooklyn. Maybe take out a bhajook from the librarbhaj … okay, that one doesn’t work.

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also dig:

~~~

Mushroom Bhaji
Serves 2
Adapted from The Perfect Pantry via Serious Eats.

14 ounces white button mushrooms, stems removed and thickly sliced
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 jalapeno pepper, stemmed, seeded, and finely chopped
2 teaspoons minced garlic
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon tomato paste
3 tablespoons water

1 tablespoon minced green onions or chives
Cooked white rice

1) Heat oil in a medium pot over medium-high. Saute onion and jalapeno for 5-6 minutes, stirring occasionally, until they being to soften. Add garlic, and cook for another 2 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add cumin, coriander, chile powder, and stir thoroughly. Cook for 1 more minute.

2) Add mushrooms, tomato paste, salt, and water. Stir thoroughly and reduce heat to low. Cover pot and cook for 10 minutes, stirring after 5. There should be a stew/sauce formed, and mushrooms should be plump and just tender. If not, take lid off and cook another few minutes.

3) Serve over rice. Sprinkle with scallions.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
136 calories, 7.5 g fat, 3.1 g fiber, $1.60
With one cup of cooked white rice: 341 calories, 8 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $1.72

Calculations
14 ounces white button mushrooms, stemmed: 62 calories, 0.9 g fat, 2.8 g fiber, $2.49
1 tablespoon olive oil: 119 calories, 13.5 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.11
1 medium onion: 46 calories, 0.1 g fat, 1.5 g fiber, $0.20
1 jalapeno pepper: 18 calories, 0.1 g fat, 0.7 g fiber, $0.06
2 teaspoons minced garlic: 8 calories, 0 g fat, 0.1 g fiber, $0.09
1 teaspoon ground cumin: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.02
1 teaspoon ground coriander: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.05
1/2 teaspoon chili powder: 4 calories, 0.2 g fat, 0.4 g fiber, $0.03
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.01
1 tablespoon tomato paste: 13 calories, 0.1 g fat, 0.7 g fiber, $0.07
3 tablespoons water: 0 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.00
1 tablespoon minced green onions or chives: 2 calories, 0 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.07
TOTAL: 272 calories, 15 g fat, 6.2 g fiber, $3.20
PER SERVING (TOTAL/2): 136 calories, 7.5 g fat, 3.1 g fiber, $1.60

Veggie Might: Red Cabbage with Apples

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:17 +0000

Penned by the effervescent Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about the wide world of Vegetarianism.

Does anyone else have those friends who bring out your inner junk-food junkie? For me, it’s my friend C. She’s a tall, slender woman who barely eats. Food is just not on her radar.

C doesn’t cook; she can eat an apple and call it lunch. She will eat one serving of potato chips and put the bag away. It’s unnatural. And unfortunately, I don’t share her resistance to wolfing down the whole bag.

So to counter a weekend spent with C (and cinnamon rolls, guacamole chips, popovers, and White Castle), I made Mark Bittman’s delicious and deliciously simple Red Cabbage with Apples. I wish I’d taken a photo of the cabbage as I cut it. If you make this, take a minute to marvel at the magenta and white brain-like twists and turns. Gorgeous.

True to form, I made a few tweaks. I could barely taste the clove, so I upped the recommended amount. I thought I could peel the apples while the cabbage cooked, but I was wrong. You’ll need to stir the cabbage frequently to avoid scorching and add a bit of water or stock if necessary. The pink brains need your attention, and they’re worth it.

This dish is bright and tangy with a hint of sweet. Curling up with an overproduced sci-fi miniseries and a bowl of red cabbage and apples will cleanse any lingering junk-food guilt that may linger from a weekend food frenzy or holiday sweets-fest. And it tastes so good, you may forget you’re being healthy.

(Incredible red cabbage photo from Flickr member jasonwebber.)

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also dig:

~~~

Red Cabbage with Apples
From How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman
Yields 12 1/2-cup servings

1 tbsp canola oil (or any neutral oil)
1 head red cabbage (about 2 lbs), cored and shredded
3 medium – large Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and chopped
4 – 5 cloves
1/2 cup veggie stock
salt and pepper to taste

1) Core and shred the cabbage. Peel, core, and chop the apples into chunks.

2) In a large sauce pan, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the cabbage and cloves, and cook for 20 minutes or until soft. Stir often and be careful of scorching.

3) Add veggie stock and apples. Stirring frequently, cook for another 10 to 15 minutes or until apples are soft (or the texture you like).

4) Fish out cloves (if you can find them) and serve alongside a hearty main dish.

5) Dig in; and if you end up eating it all, it’s okay. It’s sooo good for you.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price per Serving
66.1 calories, 2.67g fat, 2.75g fiber, $0.35

Calculations
1 tbsp canola oil: 120 calories, 14g fat, 0g fiber, $0.08
1 head red cabbage: 352 calories, 2g fat, 24g fiber, $2.00
3 medium Granny Smith apples: 312 calories, 0g fat, 9g fiber, $2.00
4 – 5 whole cloves: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $.02
1/2 cup veggie stock: 10 calories, 0g fat, $.10
salt and pepper to taste: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $.04
Totals: 794 calories, 32g fat, 33g fiber, $4.24
Per serving (totals/12): 66.1 calories, 2.67g fat, 2.75g fiber, $0.35

The Biggest Loser Season 8 Finale: Livebloggin’

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:15 +0000

Welcome, readers, to the official CHG 2009 Season 8 Biggest Loser Finale Liveblog! (CHGSEBLFL for short.) We were going to have a t-shirt made, but didn’t want to swamp CafePress at Christmastime.

In the grand tradition of bloggers (note: Sports Guy), I’ll be providing running commentary on the results show as it goes along. New updates will appear at the top of the post, and will be refreshed every few minutes as BL progresses. This actually makes it more of a running diary, but technology is hard and I’m an idiot.

Feel free to add your own ideas in the comment section, and I’ll post fun ones as they come in. Interactivity is neat!

Oh! Also? Please excuse any typos. We’ll clean ‘em up later.

10:01
And we’re done. Thank you, for reading and commenting, everybody! This was really fun, and I’d love to do it again real soon. Have a great night an stay warm!

10:00
Cue congratulatory glitterstorm and inspirational song! I have done THIS today to make me feel proud!

9:59
DANNY! 239 pounds, yo! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS! And his little girl is crying! The whole fam is so cute.

9:58
And the winnah is…

9:57
Speaking of beauty at any size, Gabourey Sidibe is on Leno after this. She is charming in interviews.

9:53
Danny has to drop 227 pounds. I think he has it. But first, THIS COMMERCIAL.

9:50
Rudy has lost 234 pounds, or 52.94% of his body weight. I can’t even comprehend those numbers. He is the Wayne Gretzky of Biggest Loser. (Meaning: he hits his goals.)

9:48
Reader Mo has a good call: “if i believed in spin-offs, i would love to see the what happens when they go and have to live life thin. how their family dynamics change and if they throw out their fat clothes.”

9:42
Amanda and Amanda’s hair say, “I worked my butt off” without adding “literally” at the end. It kills me, because it would have been a rare appropriate use of the word “literally.” She drops about 35% of her weight. It ain’t enough to win, methinks.

9:41
And yelling. Can’t forget the yelling.

9:40
Back from break, introducing next year’s contestants. Already, there are two guys pushing 500 and much crying.

9:34
Danny does not enter. He has been replaced by a 20-years-younger imposter.

9:33
A VERY thin Rudy enters and touches his old self on the butt. It sounds weird, but it’s what is actually happening.

9:31
Which brings me to the chief criticism of BL: it re-enforces you have to be thin to be awesome. And that just ain’t true.

9:30
Moment of pure sincerity: of everyone on the show, I think Amanda’s story seems the most universally relateable. We all know self-conscious teen girls we want to shake and say, “You are beautiful, whatever you weigh!”

9:22
I like to picture teen Danny in a Boston cover band, pickin’ up my old neighbor Toni Ann is his Iroc-Z, and then jetting off to buy tapered-leg jeans at Chess King. (Um … I have revealed too much.)

9:20
Okay, this is clearly the inspirational part of the show. Howevs, I’m not sure “… to help America wake up to hunger” sounds like GM wanted it to sound.

9:18
Antoine has a surprise! AUGH! HE’S PROPOSING TO ALEXANDRA! There is much crying and the moms are hugging! I love hugging moms.

9:10
Nope. It’s Subway, an invite back to next season’s finale, and … A THOUSAND BUCKS FOR EVERY POUND LOST?!?!

9:08
There’s a surprise for Shay? Hopefully it’s Puffs Plus with lotion. (Um … she’s kind of a crier. Dunno if I mentioned.)

9:07
Rebecca wins, climbs Bob in celebration.

9:02
Reader Mo makes a great point: Jillian would be the worst SVU detective, ever.
Biggest Loser Drinking Game, Rule #2: take a sip every time Jill yells at someone who is already clearly traumatized.

9:01
Allen the Firefighter is up, loses 116 pounds or 35. 69% of his body weight. The at-home prize now comes to Liz. Can she sass it out?

9:00
Go Rebecca! 139 pounds GONE! She usurped Tracy, and has ENORMOUS guns to show for it. They’re Madonna-esque.

8:59
Help us, Rebecca Wan Kenobi. You are our only hope.

8:58
Daniel down 111 pounds, or 35.58%, or me in 6th grade.

8:56
Amanda and Daniel, sittin’ in a tree! Eating J-E-N-N-Y-O-T-U-R-KEY. They’re the cuteness.

8:55
Shay’s story is compelling, but I wish she’d cry a little less. Prediction: she will lose 214 pounds, 15 of which are tears. (Actually: 172 pounds, or 36.13%)

8:54
Commercial break, done! Reader Jen says: “BL Drinking Game, Rule #1: drink every time Alison says ‘highest percentage of weight loss’”

8:48
Dr. Wayne, Old West MD, comes on to defend BL methods, slam bypass surgery, sell elixir to old cowboys to cure their consumption.

8:47
Shay, Daniel, Rebecca, and Allen are up now. Rebecca is slammin’ in a shimmery silver gown and blonde Twiggy bob. If inspirational speaker doesn’t work out, she has a very successful go-go dancing career in her future.

8:45
Tracy’s weigh-in. 132 pounds, gone. She takes the lead from Julio and the terrorists win again.

8: 43
Abby story … can’t type … weeping. To its credit, Biggest Loser treated her story very delicately. And she looks fab and lost an even 100 pounds, for 40.49%. LOVE HER!

8:40
Oh NO. They’re bringing up Dina’s damn stool again. (Um … again, that didn’t come out sounding right.) She’s down 31.23%, and has gained only awesome hair.

8:39
Back from break. Have moved on to mangos. Mo is looking a lot like a thin James Earl Jones and drops 25.92% of his weight.

8:34
Yay Abby! She’s my fave. Boo, Tracy. She is Molly Shannon, but not as charming and insaner.

8:33
Did anyone else catch Sami saying Tracy looks “crazy good”? Well played.

8:32
Julio drops a gobsmacking 180 pounds. Reader Stanny! says “Julio could lose 8 more lbs if he shaves his eyebrows.”

8:31
Here comes Julio. How is that the same guy? Did they give him a mustache and replace him with Evil Julio, a la Knight Rider?

8:29
Sean is 14-years-old and has an entirely new face. Reader Mo says: “sean! i love you! you are cute and still squeezey!”

8:26
Alexandra – won’t win, but a great job with 29.45% lost.
Antoine – holy moly. 157 pounds lost. 40% lost.

8:25
From reader Jen, about a sneaker commercial: “ShapeUps shoes? Seriously? I’m pretty sure that any shoes not nailed to the floor will let you shape up.”

8:24
Jillian’s hair gets more luxurious every season. I want to swim in its waves. I do, however object to her “Someone Had a Difficult Childhood, So I Will Yell at Them” style of training.

8:22
And we’re back! Bob and Jillian come out for the first time, both dressed as cat burglars.

8:20
There’s a SECOND Chipmunk movie? The terrorists have won.

8:16
Sean, Antoine, Julio, and Alexandra are out. They all look great, but Julio looks freakin’ amazing. Almost like a different guy. You might remember him from this conversation earlier this year:
JILLIAN: Julio, what’s emotionally wrong with you?
JULIO: Nothing, I think.
JILLIAN: Does your family hate you? Do you hate you?
JULIO: I don’t think so.
JILLIAN: No! You’re very sick in the head.
JULIO: Uh … I have to go.

8:15
“Is there anything you want to say to America?”
“Um … water? Please? I’m very dehydrated.”

8:14
America loves … Amanda! Even though she’s from Jersey.

8:12
Chocolate diamonds are not what I wanted them to be.

8:11
Reader Stanny! writes: “Neither woman finalist is a stick figure. Don’t they know how America works?”

8:10
Inopportune commercial break #1! I want to punch the guy in the Ziploc ad out of principle. And then I want him to punch the Old Navy modelquins.

8:09
Aaaaannd the voting. Ten bucks on Hot Granny.

8:08
Here comes Liz! Whoa. Hot Granny alert. (Okay, now I feel weird.)

8:07
Amanda comes out in a cute pink top, next to her greenscreen Old Amanda. She is ten seconds from fainting dead away.

8:05
Danny’s voice has actually changed since the beginning of the show. It sounds less muffled.

8:03
Cue inspirational music. I have been inspired! I WILL finish this beer! Thank you, Biggest Loser!

8:01
Ooo … Lord of the Rings mountains. Remember Tracy? She was this year’s crazy person. She makes Courtney Love look like Wolf Blitzer sanity-wise.

8pm
Sami Brady, lookin’ good. And not in that Salem-esque-I-finally-got-my-baby-back-from-that-kidnapper way.

7:59pm
I’m here with occasional CHG writer Rachel! We’ve got Corona Light! We’re eating halibut cakes! Let’s do this thing.

It’s 6:52pm right now, so we’ll be officially starting in 68 minutes. Tune in!

Ask the Internet: Wedding Beer Question, Answered!

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:14 +0000

Before we get to today’s Ask the Internet, a very special announcement: tonight, we’re live blogging the Biggest Loser finale! Log on around 8pm for a play-by-play of all the inspirational, yet slightly disturbing dieting!

A few weeks ago, Ask the Internet featured a question from an unassuming food blogger about what kind beer to serve at her wedding. Readers offered a ton of good suggestions, and the food blogger, a procrastinator of the highest order, finally held the tasting over the weekend. She also stopped talking in third person at the end of this paragraph.

You guys, it was great! Here’s how it went down:

After the comments and Facebook votes were tallied, our final four beers were Brooklyn Lager, Magic Hat, Sierra Nevada, and Smithwick’s.
Fat Tire, Shiner Bock, and Bell’s all received multiple votes, but none are available in New York. (And according to the beer guy won’t be until: 2011, “a few years,” and “never,” respectively.)
Five people participated: me, the Husband-Elect, Ma, my sister, and her manfriend T.
We rated each beer on a 1 to 10 scale.
I was the only person who knew which beer was which.

These are our results and comments. The winner is revealed at the end!

BEER A
Label: Brooklyn Lager
Points: 28
Comments: “Not so good,” “not a favorite,” “I’m not crazy about ales,” “hoppy and bitter,” “Filling – I could probably only have two of these before I was too full for pie,”

BEER B
Label: Magic Hat
Points: 26
Comments: Far and away Ma’s favorite, but unexpectedly unpopular with the other tasters: “tastes like soup,” “smells funny,” “This beer is the new paisley.”

BEER C
Label: Sierra Nevada
Points: 32.5
Comments: “drinkable, but not my favorite,” “easy to drink,” “a lot like the first one – maybe slightly better,” “an aftertaste,” “Is this Blue Moon? Because it tastes like Blue Moon.”

BEER D
Label: Smithwick’s
Points: 36
Comments: “deep and nut browny,” “light, smoky, creamy,” “good and a little bitter, like me,” and from my sister, “normal” (note: this is the highest compliment she can give a food or beverage.)

Meaning, after all was said and done, the winner was…

Which is awesome, because it’s one of my favorite beers. Thank you, everyone, for all your suggestions! We really appreciate it, and are sure our friends and family do, too.

Want to ask the interweb a question? Post one in the comment section, or write to Cheaphealthygood@gmail.com. Then, tune in next Tuesday for an answer/several answers from the good people of the World Wide Net.

Comedy Nerds Podcast and Today’s Re-Posted Recipe

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:13 +0000

Hey you guys! Two quick things:

1) My friends Dustin and Dan run a sweet website and accompanying podcast called The Comedy Nerds. I’m the featured interview today, talking a little about my old job. If you’re interested in comedy at all, they’re funny guys and it’s a good time. (Rated slightly PG for language and bizarre dreams about Harrison Ford.) Check it out here: Comedy Nerds: The VH1 Voice and Comedy From Unconventional Places.

2) RSS subscribers – sorry about the mis-post earlier. Today’s recipe (and fun question) is up now here: Chicken Fried Rice: A Recipe for the Ages.

And that’s it! Happy Monday.

-Kris

Chicken Fried Rice: A Recipe for the Ages

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:12 +0000

Last week, I experienced one of the dozens of daily events that remind me I’m well into my 30s. It started during a Friday Night Lights marathon on Netflix. If you’ve never seen the show (and most haven’t), know a few things: A) it will make you care about football, B) it will make you care about Texas, and C) everyone is insanely good-looking. Like, these people make Catherine Zeta-Jones look like an old mushroom.

On the show, there’s a character named Tim Riggins who is particularly aesthetically pleasing. He’s cute squared, cubed, and then squared again. (So, cute to the 7th power.) Sadly, he’s supposed to be a junior in high school, making this my problem: at 32-years-old, is it okay for me to find him handsome? Or is it kind of creepy? Is the Coach (a 40-something) more appropriate for my age? Is “handsome” a word that young people use?

In all seriousness, this has been bothering me for several days. I don’t know if it’s mortality thing or what, but I’m adding it to an ever-growing list of Disturbing Things That Signal My Aging/Adulthood. This list also includes:

-I have become very aware of the ways in which my back can and can not twist.

-The Husband-Elect’s inability to put laundry INSIDE the hamper (as opposed to on TOP of the hamper) has usurped human rights in my hierarchy of Things to Care About.

-I refer to major league ballplayers as “kids.” Ex: “That Jeter kid sure is a good shortstop.”

-I buy tissues when I’m not sick.

-Hangovers, while only occasional, don’t last six hours anymore. Minimum, two days.

-The music that was popular when I was in high school (R.E.M., Oasis, Nirvana, etc.) is now played primarily on classic rock radio.

-Interns look like positively fetal to me now.

-I make involuntary noises when I get up off the couch.

-“I’m 32” has replaced “I don’t feel well” and “I have to be at work early tomorrow” as a legitimate excuse for staying in on Thursday nights.

-I plan my dinners days ahead of time.

That last one is antithetical to every meal I ate from ages 17 to 27, but it’s a central principle of this whole food/frugality thing we’ve got going on here. Today’s dish, Chicken Fried Rice, is a good example. It’s a hybrid of three recipes from Simply Recipes, Cookie magazine, and Robert Irvine (of Dinner: Impossible fame) and requires several cups of refrigerated leftover rice. Without this essential planning ahead, you’re left with a blobby, hyper-absorbent pile of mush.

Beyond that, the recipe is tasty and super-quick to throw together. It can be customized to include more vegetables or different proteins, and the soy sauce can be adjusted as well, depending on your salt tolerance. (Mine is very high. I kind of wish I was a deer just for the salt licks.)

Now, I’m off to eat Chicken Fried Rice and contemplate this Tim Riggins thing further. For someone my age, it might take awhile.

P.S. Readers, how do you know you’re getting a little older? Use your newfangled computer technology to discuss in the comment section. (Then, get off mah lawn!)

~~~

If you like this recipe, you might also like:

~~~

Chicken Fried Rice
Makes 3 full meals or 5 side servings.
Adapted from Simply Recipes, Robert Irvine, and Cookie.

8 ounces chicken breast, cut into bite-sized pieces
1-1/2 teaspoons sesame oil, divided
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1-1/2 tablespoons canola oil, divided
2 egg whites
1 egg
6 scallions, chopped
3 to 4 cups leftover rice (must NOT be freshly made)
3/4 cup frozen peas and carrots, thawed
3 tablespoons soy sauce

1) In a small bowl, combine chicken, 1/2 a teaspoon of sesame oil, and salt and pepper to taste. In another small bowl, beat egg whites and egg together with a little salt and pepper.

2) In a large nonstick skillet, warm 1 teaspoon canola oil over medium-high heat. Add chicken and cook 5 or 6 minutes, stirring frequently, until browned. Remove chicken from skillet and set aside.

3) Reduce heat to medium low and warm 1/2 teaspoon canola oil in skillet. Add eggs, swirling them around pan and gently breaking them up with a spoon as they cook. When barely done, set eggs aside with chicken.

4) Jack heat back up to medium-high and add 1 tablespoon canola oil to skillet. Add ½ the scallions and cook 2 or 3 minutes, until slightly soft. Add rice and spread it around as much as possible. Cook 4 or 5 minutes, stirring once or twice, until rice is warmed and a little crispy.

5) Add remaining sesame oil and 3 tablespoons of soy sauce. Stir to coat. Add chicken, eggs, carrots and peas, stir to combine, and heat another 3 or 4 minutes. Remove from heat and top with remaining scallions. Season with salt and pepper. Serve hot with extra soy sauce on the side.

Approximate Calories, Fat, Fiber, and Price Per Serving
3 servings (full meal): 446 calories, 12.9 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $1.18
5 servings (side dish): 268 calories, 7.8 g fat, 2.2 g fiber, $0.71

Calculations
8 ounces chicken breast: 249 calories, 2.7 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.85
1-1/2 teaspoons sesame oil: 60 calories, 6.8 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.09
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper: negligible calories, fat, and fiber, $0.02
1-1/2 tablespoons canola oil: 186 calories, 21 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.11
2 egg whites: 34 calories, 0.1 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.66
1 egg: 74 calories, 5 g fat, 0 g fiber, $0.33
6 scallions, chopped: 48 calories, 0.3 g fat, 3.9 g fiber, $0.44
3 to 4 cups leftover rice (calc for 3.5 cups): 676 calories, 2.9 g fat, 3.5 g fiber, $0.42
3/4 cup frozen peas and carrots, thawed: 56 calories, 0 g fat, 3.4 g fiber, $0.33
3 tablespoons soy sauce: 25 calories, 0 g fat, 0.4 g fiber, $0.30
TOTAL: 1339 calories, 38.8 g fat, 11.2 g fiber, $3.55
PER SERVING (TOTAL/3): 446 calories, 12.9 g fat, 3.7 g fiber, $1.18
PER SERVING (TOTAL/5): 268 calories, 7.8 g fat, 2.2 g fiber, $0.71

Veggie Might: Newsflash! Scientists Getting Closer to Lab-grown Meat

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:09 +0000

Written by the fabulous Leigh, Veggie Might is a weekly Thursday column about all things Vegetarian. The illustration is borrowed from the uber-talented Natalie Dee.

A group of scientists in the Netherlands, funded by the Dutch government and a sausage maker, are getting close to viable lab-grown meat replacement. According to Sunday’s Telegraph, they “have created what was described as soggy pork and are now investigating ways to improve the muscle tissue in the hope that people will one day want to eat it.”

The Sunday Times reports that while, “the scientists have not tasted it…they believe the breakthrough could lead to sausages and other processed products being made from laboratory meat in as little as five years’ time.”

In April 2008, PETA’s Ingrid Newkirk issued a challenge to Scientists Everywhere: figure out how to grow meat in the lab, and we’ll stop actin’ the fool all over the place and give you a million dollars*. Turns out that Newkirk’s gauntlet toss, which came just weeks after the In Vitro Meat Symposium in Norway, was unnecessary.

Scientists Everywhere were already on it, driven by their own innate “what happens if I do this?” genes. They also claim to be spurred by a quest to reduce the environmental impact of the meat industry and encouraged by NASA researchers’ 2002 “success” with tank-grown fish fillets, born of a few goldfish cells and “fetal bovine serum” (blargh).

The Times article is careful to mention no one is allowed by law to taste these delicacies yet, but researchers believe they will have a viable meat replicant within five years—missing the PETA deadline by three and forfeiting the prize money. The science dude(tte)s don’t seem to mind. (See the “what if I go like this?” genes.)

My first reaction to this news is “Eeeewww!” But then, I remember that I just had faux turkey for Thanksgiving. So what am I getting all skeeved out about? Probably “fetal bovine serum,” for starters.

Essentially, three factors come into play for me: an existing environmental crisis that would benefit greatly from the reduction, if not elimination, of industrial farming; animals that would benefit from not being killed for food; and concerns about GMO and bioengineered food. The former two seem like big wins.

Factory farming is a major contributor to the global environmental crisis. According to Science News, “roughly half of the GHG [greenhouse gas] emissions due to human diets come from meat even though beef, pork and chicken together account for only about 14 percent of what people eat.” Plus, consider the increasing number of food safety scares every year: from mad cow-, e-coli-, and salmonella-tainted meat to poisoned produce from feedlot runoff. Safe, sterile test-tube meat isn’t sounding so bad…

But then there’s that pesky GMO-bioengineering issue. I know that processed foods are not as nutritious as whole foods. But what no one knows are the long term effects of genetically modified organisms in our corn, wheat, and soybeans. How different is Petri meat from Bt corn?

So what do you think of all this fiddling around in the lab? Vegetarians, would you eat meat if it didn’t come from an animal? Omnivores, would you consider a bioengineered meat replacement if it helped the environment? Spill in the comments. I’d love to hear what y’all think.

*Psych! PETA will never stop actin’ the fool.

~~~

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FAST CHEESEBREAD

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:07 +0000

P.S. That is a full-sized dinner plate.

FAST CHEESE BREAD
Toasted this makes very acceptable bread. It slices easily when cool and makes great sandwiches. Without toasting, it is more muffin-like than bread-like. The gluten-free version is very tasty, a bit higher in carbs, and the flax version is lower in carbs and more whole wheaty tasting and a bit higher in calories.

1 cup ground almonds
2/3 cup gold flax meal
1/3 cup vital wheat gluten
1/3 cup vanilla whey protein
4 tsp baking powder
¼ tsp salt
1 cup grated Monterey Jack, OR Cheddar cheese
¼ cup butter
2 eggs
½ cup Hoods Carb Countdown milk, OR
any milk or cream
Grated cheese sprinkle for top, optional

In large bowl, mix dry ingredients together. Cut in butter. Stir in cheese. In small bowl, beat eggs with fork. Stir in milk. Stir the egg mixture into the dry ingredients until just blended. Do not over mix; scoop batter into well-greased 8-inch square baking pan. Sprinkle with cheese, if using. Bake at 350°F for 35 to 45 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Allow to cool completely in the pan.

When completely cool, cut in half one way and then in half the other way. Each quarter makes 4 adequate slices of bread. Use a serrated knife to cut the slices of bread. Toast well before using.

Variation: Gluten-free Bread: Use 2 cups of my Gluten-free bake mix (recipe follows), 3 eggs and a couple of tablespoons of water. Make sure the batter is not too stiff. Add a little extra water, if necessary, by the tablespoonful. There are some differences in the various brands of coconut flour.

Yield: 16 slices, 1 slice:
137.3 calories: 8.4 g protein; 10.6 g fat; 1.5 g carbs

Gluten-free Bread: 16 slices, 1 slice:
116.7 calories; 5.0 g protein; 8.6 g fat; 3.9 g carbs

Helpful Hint: If you require a sandwich for work, take the bread along separately and toast the bread just before adding sandwich ingredients.

Gluten-Free Bake Mix:
1 ½ cups oat flour
1 cup ground almonds
½ cup sifted coconut flour
1 tsp Xanthan gum

Ring in the New Year With Chocolate Chip Cookies

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:06 +0000

It is that time of year…we are all ready to “ring in the New Year.” So what is the origin of that phrase?

It used to be customary in England to “ring out” the Old Year at midnight on New Year’s Eve by tolling the church bells as though for a person who had died, and “ring in” the new year with a cheerful peal. There is a well-known poem by Tennyson, written in 1850, that refers to this custom. This is the first verse:
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow;
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Another great chocolate chip cookie to ring in the New Year. These are similar to my favorite chocolate chip cookies, p. 100 of Splendid Low-Carbing for Life, Volume 2, with a few minor differences. I didn’t include the chocolate chips in the analysis, as depending on the product, the carb count will vary.

1 cup butter, softened
1 ¼ cups Splenda Granular
¼ cup powdered erythritol
½ tsp molasses
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 ¼ cups Splendid Low-Carb Bake Mix
1 tsp baking soda
½ tsp salt
2 cups sugarless chocolate chips (or 70% Lindt, chopped)

In food processor, combine butter, Splenda Granular and molasses; process. Add eggs and vanilla extract; process. In medium bowl, combine Splendid Low-Carb Bake Mix, baking soda and salt. Stir into butter mixture until well combined. Fold in chocolate chips. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto greased cookie sheet. Bake in 350°F oven 8 to 10 minutes, or until brown underneath. Cool on wire rack, if desired, then transfer to a dinner plate or two and refrigerate. These will be best once cold and firm. Keep refrigerated.

Yield: 44 cookies
1 cookie
74.4 calories
3.0 g protein
6.3 g fat
1.4 g carbs

Happy New Year Everyone!

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:05 +0000

How did this year fly by so quickly? So much happened – lots good, some bad, some sad! I guess that is life, but thankfully, it was lots good too.

The biggest thing for me personally was the loss of my Shiba Inu, Happy, who was with us for 14 years. I blogged about him and it did help me to write things down – I’m sorry if anyone got annoyed by the off-topic posts. I will forever miss him while I am still here, however, I have to believe he is well now and out of pain.

God bless you all in the New Year and may your New Year dreams all come true – especially your weight loss dreams!

Peanut Butter Fudge for Christmas

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:05 +0000

PEANUT BUTTER FUDGE
Very rich fudgey confection for Christmas or anytime. I used Peter Pan peanut butter (sweetened with Splenda). Merry Christmas!!

½ cup SPLENDA® Granular
½ cup peanut butter
1/3 cup granulated Erythritol
¼ cup whole or skim milk powder
2 tbsp unsalted butter
3 tbsp evaporated milk or cream
1 tbsp water
4 tbsp vanilla whey protein

In medium, nonstick saucepan, stir together SPLENDA® Granular, peanut butter, erythritol, whole milk powder, butter, evaporated milk or cream and water. Keep stirring until the butter has melted, then stir less than a minute longer, or until the peanut butter smells a little toasty, and the fudge pulls away slightly from the sides, when stirring with a long wooden or plastic mixing spoon.

In food processor with sharp blade, process fudge with vanilla whey protein until smooth. Quickly transfer to a small, square container. The fudge begins to harden almost immediately. (I used a plastic Tupperware-type dish that was about 5 inches by 5 inches.) Place in the freezer until set and then transfer to the refrigerator. Keep refrigerated.

Yield: 25 pieces, 1 piece:
2.3 g carbs with evap. milk
2.1 g carbs with whipping cream

Fruit Cocktail Cheesecake Squares

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:04 +0000

FRUIT COCKTAIL CHEESECAKE SQUARES
These squares are loosely based on my fruit cocktail cheesecake, which is lovely, and if anyone wants that recipe, I’ll post it as well, although I don’t think I have any photos of it at the moment. I have made it so often; you’d think I would have photographed it!

Crust:
1 ½ cups ground almonds or
Almond flour
¼ cup vanilla whey protein
2 tbsp vital wheat gluten, OR oat flour
4 Splenda packets
1/3 to ½ cup butter, melted
Topping:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1 egg
½ cup sour cream
½ cup SPLENDA® Granular
2 tbsp unsalted butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup canned fruit cocktail in juice or water, drained

Crust: In medium bowl combine almond flour, vanilla whey protein, vital wheat gluten or oat flour, Splenda and butter. Press into an 8-inch square glass dish. Bake in 350°C oven 10 minutes.

Topping: In food processor, process cream cheese. Add egg, sour cream, SPLENDA® Granular, butter, and vanilla extract; process until smooth. Stir in fruit cocktail. Pour over crust evenly. Bake in 350°C oven 20 to 25 minutes, or until set.

Yield: 20 squares, 1 square:
139.3 calories; 4.3 g protein; 12.2 g fat; 3.1 g carbs

What Causes Cancer?

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:04 +0000

Apparently, that is still not very clear. Many or most of us have had a loved one or acquaintance who has had a battle with cancer – few diseases are more frightening. The statistics are 1 in 3. Here is a very in-depth, excellent article that is worth reading. Low-carbing is highly recommended to prevent cancer. Cancer: Disease of Civilization. Many primitive people have never experienced cancer in their population. Why? One could hazard a guess that they eat differently and more as nature intended, and that perhaps our processed foods are killing us prematurely.

This was one of the conclusions:

There are 4 aspects of modern ‘lifestyle’ that increase the risk of a cancer. The first is a carb-based diet, the second is polyunsaturated vegetable oils and margarines, the third is a low blood cholesterol level and the last is lack of sunshine. In other words, all the ‘healthy’ things we are advised to do increase cancer risk.

Christmas is the Season for giving

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:03 +0000

Anyone who has been thinking about buying my cookbooks for themselves or as a gift for a loved one, please email me at Jennifer.Eloff@gmail.com (just mention this blog post). I may be able to get you a much better price than the ones quoted on my website.

For more information about my cookbooks, check out the Blurbs about each of them in the right column of my blog.

Merry Christmas everyone and thank you for visiting my blog, and, especially thank you to those of you who take the time to occasionally comment. Love getting comments, as it makes me realize somebody out there is actually benefiting from my work. It encourages me to do better.

God bless you all,
Jennifer

Future Diabetes Treatment?

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:03 +0000

Pancreas Islet Cell Transplants – could they be the future for people with diabetes? Possibly. Here is a very interesting article in the Diabetes Health Newsletter: Islet Cell Transplant

Basically, a young 21-year old airman in Afghanistan was severely injured. They had to remove his pancreas completely, which meant he would instantly have Diabetes 1. However, they implanted pancreatic islet cells into his liver, which seem to have taken and now they are producing insulin. His insulin needs will be very much reduced and, therefore, it will be easier to manage his induced diabetes and perhaps prevent complications from occurring. Maybe they can get the procedure to the point where insulin would not be necessary.

Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:02 +0000

Yes, I know, it’s not Thanksgiving anymore. I was tardy in putting this recipe up on my blog. Squirrel it away for another day.

PUMPKIN SPICE CHEESECAKE
Good texture and not overly sweet. A sweetened whipped topping will probably be the “icing on the cake” so to speak. I was lazy and just sprinkled grated chocolate over the top.

Crust:
1 ½ cups ground almonds or
Almond flour
¼ cup vanilla whey protein
2 tbsp vital wheat gluten, OR oat flour
4 Splenda packets
1/3 to ½ cup butter, melted
Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Batter:
2 pkgs (16 oz) Philadelphia cream cheese, softened
1 egg
½ cup sour cream
½ cup canned pumpkin
½ cup SPLENDA® Granular
4 Splenda packets
2 tbsp DaVinci Sugar Free Gingerbread syrup
2 tbsp unsalted butter, softened
2 tbsp vital wheat gluten, OR oat flour
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp vanilla extract
½ tsp nutmeg
½ tsp pumpkin spice
½ oz grated unsweetened baker’s chocolate (optional)

Crust: In medium bowl combine almond flour, vanilla whey protein, vital wheat gluten or oat flour, Splenda and butter. Press into a 9-inch pie dish. Bake in 350°C oven 10 minutes.

Cheesecake Batter: In food processor with sharp blade, process cream cheese. Add egg, sour cream, pumpkin, SPLENDA® Granular, Splenda (from packets), DaVinci Gingerbread syrup, butter, vital wheat gluten (or oat flour), cinnamon, ginger, vanilla extract, nutmeg, and pumpkin spice. Process until well combined. Spread batter over crust. Bake in 350°C oven 25 to 35 minutes, or until set. When cool, sprinkle with grated chocolate, if desired.

Yield: 12 servings, 1 serving:
306.8 calories; 10.6 g protein; 26.8 g fat; 6.0 g carbs

Not A Diet But a Lifestyle – I’m Not Saying What You Are Thinking

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:01 +0000

I say this, because although I remain firmly convinced after 12 years on this WOE that a diet lower in carbohydrates is much healthier than a diet high in carbohydrates, especially processed, refined carbohydrates, I loathe and detest counting carbohydrates, calories or whatever. I cannot conceive of weighing my food before eating it – things like that! It could be that it is pure laziness on my part (probably), or maybe it is impatience to eat when I am hungry and not wanting to bother with the mental math part – either way I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. However, I have a pretty good idea of how many carbs are in the foods I am eating – give or take. I have a fairly high tolerance for carbohydrates and my weight is okay for a middle-aged woman (oh geesh, I just realized I’m probably a senior now at 52 and not middle-aged as such) who spends a lot of time cooking and baking, but I could stand to lose those few lbs and get to the weight I was when I was younger. If not to look better, but to at least be able to wear those clothes in my wardrobe that are gathering dust, and occasionally mold in this humid climate.

If any of you out there are like me, then you will like this approach as well. I mentioned it last year at about this time too, but did not follow through, thanks to having guests come stay in December and again in January. Then I forgot all about that exciting new idea of mine – Intermittent Fasting. Before you have a fit – remember you eat every single day! I like to have a window where I can eat two meals and a snack (or not). Usually this window of eating is earlier in the day and is about 5 or 6 hours long. The rest of the time – 18 to 19 hours, I don’t eat. I get to have some tea with milk and Splenda, if I choose. If I am beside myself hungry, I’ll have a teaspoon of peanut butter or cream cheese with my tea and that will settle me, until I eat again the next day. Sooo, I love how it makes me feel, how I don’t have to think about food as much, how I have all this energy, and best of all how my stomach and waistline shrinks and I can feel my ribs really well again.

This is not an excuse to eat junk though. I still eat relatively low-carb, however, I won’t count anything and I’m not against occasional splurges (a small potato or 3 tbsp of rice) or a banana here and there, for instance. However, if I wanted to, I could easily be in good ketosis, if I went very low-carb. For some people, this would be a big bonus in appetite suppression, as well as speedier weight loss. I don’t do as well in deep ketosis. I don’t drink enough and end up dehydrated – especially, during the night. I have to be drinking water through the night and I don’t particularly want to do that. So, to make up for the fact that I don’t get into deep ketosis, I have a day or two each week where my calories are really low at about 500 to 900 calories, and that keeps the weight coming off.

If you’d like to receive the free e-book about the IF way of life, written by a physical fitness trainer, Mike O’Donnell, click here: www.theilife.com. This book is very informative and should help you on your way.

If you’re able to do Atkins or Protein Power or any of those structured diets with ease, then there is no point in doing intermittent fasting. However, my research tells me that people who do adopt this way of life are invariably also in control of their eating and reach their goal weight 9 times out of 10. They feel much happier and are much more in control of their eating. Grazing all day long is a recipe for eating too much and having too much insulin (fat storing hormone that lowers blood sugar) running around in the body, creating more opportunity for fat storage. Too much insulin means we’re more susceptible to diseases that come with age, as a result of inflammation in the body. IF is a powerful way to decrease inflammation in the body. It is only now being discovered that inflammation is one of the main reasons for heart disease.

Hope this protocol proves to be the answer for some folks out there. It couldn’t be easier – no counting, no worrying about food and calories endlessly, but plenty of freedom to enjoy food and experience true hunger before eating – plus all the benefits of low-carbing and yet some!

Carbs in My Recipes

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:01 +0000

One or two people have said to me that in some cases the serving sizes would be a bit smaller than they would eat. So then my solution is – have two servings. (smile) The other thought and this is for the die hard carb counters (nothing wrong with that!) is to reconfigure the number of servings that you would prefer in a particular food item. For instance, my Deluxe White Chocolate, page 90 of More Splendid Low-Carbing. The serving size is 64 pieces in an 8-inch square glass dish.

Nutritional analysis: 64 pieces, 1 piece
43.9 calories; 1.2 g protein; 3.9 g fat; 1.1 g carbs

This is where I’d say – okay, have two pieces, however, if you’d prefer then do the math:

Say, you’d like 36 larger squares, then you would need to find the total number of carbs in the dish. So, 64 pieces x 1.1 = 70.4 carbs in total

Now divide the total carbs by 36 and you have the number of carbs for the larger serving size: 70.4 carbs divided by 36 = 1.9 g
carbs

You can do this with any of my recipes – just pencil in your serving size and carb count in your fave recipes. A calculator (either online) or a physical calculator (I prefer this, but then I prefer reading a real cookbook to reading recipes online – old fashioned, fuddy duddy giving away her age here!)

Remember although my recipes reflect net carbs, most of my recipes have less than 0.5 g fiber to subtract, and many, if not most, contain no fiber to subtract. Truth is fiber should never have been included in the carb count for nutritional analysis. Fiber is not a carbohydrate.

Happy Low-Carbing!! Enjoy the season. It’s the season to be with your loved ones.
Jennifer

When Not to Use Erythritol

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:01 +0000

I like Erythritol in combo with Splenda Granular in much of my baking, however, here’s the thing. Erythritol will often have a tendency to recrystallize and at other times if one uses too much of it, the cooling effect on the taste buds is way too noticeable.

I have found powdered Erythritol to be more useful than the granular type, but have found uses for both.

Erythritol is horrible in any kind of oatmeal cookie or even peanut butter cookie. It does not pair well with oatmeal especially – simply for reasons of taste. The cooling effect will be extremely noticeable and will almost taste bitter.

Erythritol should not be used in cheesecakes – no bake cheesecakes or baked or for cream cheese frosting, as it tends to recrystallize. Ever eaten something where the sugar has not dissolved – it’s crunchy in a “sandy” sort of way. Ugh! Not too pleasant, hey? Same thing happens with Erythritol in these applications.

I have used it in some fudge-like confections with cream cheese (recipes on my blog) – in this case the confection gets frozen. It was not a problem in those cases, however, in any other cream cheese application, I’d be wary to say the very least.

Erythritol is super as it has hardly any carbs or calories and has little or no effect on blood sugar, plus the added benefit of no intestinal distress. It is not the sweetest (only 70% as sweet as sugar) or most successful sugar alcohol to use in baking, however, combined with Splenda Granular, the sweetness level is raised and the synergy and texture the two provide is satisfying. Other sugar alcohols might be better in confections and baking, however, I cannot tolerate the intestinal distress. No thanks! I boycott any products containing other sugar alcohols, as I’ve learned the hard way that they don’t agree with me. If you do a search at the top left-hand corner for Erythritol, you’ll find a more in-depth discussion about Erythritol.

I watched the Julie and Julia Movie last night

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:23:00 +0000

Aaaah, I loved it and I highly recommend it! I blogged about it here and here before and was hoping to see it at that point. Julie Powell and her 365-day Julie/Julia Project led to a book deal as well as a movie.

I watched enraptured. The weird thing is, even today, I can hardly understand how I got into this business myself and why my life, amongst other things, revolves around recipes, cookbooks, dreaming about food (much too much!) and blogging (although I’m so very small in this universe compared to the great ones like Julia, I know, and I really don’t care). Haha, last night, while sleeping, after watching the movie, I dreamed about Julie and Julia, and I was cooking up a storm as well, with the result that I woke up not at all hungry, the way I usually am. My eldest son, Daniel, surprised me with the movie – what a sweet thing to do! I was so touched, as I’d been really wanting to see this movie for a while, and it seemed everyone else but me had seen it.

Meryl Streep, one of my favorite actresses to admire – not so much for her beauty (although she can be very pretty), but for her spirit, her talent and integrity – did a fantastic job of portraying Julia Child. I loved her in this movie. Fabulous, Fabulous!!

Julie, is petite, and adorable, and pretty, and ridiculously skinny for a cook! I have to wonder if she really ate all her creations as she seems to indicate. Not that I’m very big, but I could always lose up to 10 lbs (my New Year’s resolution is to get serious about that for once). Oh, wait a minute – that is the actress! A quick Google found a more “real” looking foodie doing a cooking demonstration on Food Network. The actress did a great job and was quite funny at times too – prone to tantrums and emotional meltdowns. The husbands – hmm, they were great in their supporting roles too, but I’ll admit I was almost totally focused on the intriguing cooks leading their parallel lives during different time zones.

Here is an interesting interview with the real live Julie Powell.

The only part of the movie that made me feel bad was that Julia did not appear to appreciate Julie’s efforts with her cooking and her public blog to showcase the famous cook’s recipes. The husband hinted that it might be her occasional bad word (this girl reminds me of Bridget Jones) that Julia found offensive and disrespectful. I felt sorry for both of them, and somehow wanted that “happy ever after” to come at the end, but that part of the story did not resolve itself. However, Julie, to her credit, although she was very upset and cried bitterly, got over it, and still continued to love Julia and her recipes from afar.

I did go and look at Julie’s blog. Oh my, talk about a popular blog! She reminds me a bit of Bridget Jones from the movie, Bridget Jones’s Diaries. The only exception I took was the occasional bad language (bit more than that and her irreverend use of the Lord’s name), but her writing style is anything but boring – quite entertaining and lively. Her posts read at a quick pace, and for me, brings Julia Child and her recipes alive again in an offbeat sort of way. However, the blog looks very unassuming – as in really blah – no pics or anything – just goes to show talent will out, even without the tinsel trimmings. It looks like the blog ended the day after Julia’s death at the age of 91 on August 12th, 2004. Geesh, did she really smoke as well as eat all that butter? LOL

Oh wait a minute, Julie has another blog and she is still writing!! What Could Happen? and a website for her book/s: JuliePowellbooks.com

Bless you Julia! Your love of food and cooking was catchy and left a lasting impression on many, many people – me included. Bless you, Julie Powell, as well, for continuing her dream and creating your own at the same time. Bon Appetit!

P.S. Few people know this, but More Splendid Desserts was picked up by a French Publisher in Quebec, Canada, years ago and translated into the French language. I always used to sign my first two books – Addressed to the person in particular, then “Bon Appetit! Jennifer Eloff. That book is still selling but the publishing company quit paying me royalties years ago. That French version and the English More Splendid Desserts had stories attached to them where the publishers ripped me off – sadly! That is why I switched to self-publishing.

Horseradish Shrimp Dip

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:22:59 +0000

HORSERADISH SHRIMP DIP
Serve this dip with salad shrimp hung decoratively over side of a dip bowl. Recipe from More Splendid Low-Carbing.

1/2 cup Mayonnaise, page 58 (125 mL)
2 tbsp tomato paste (25 mL)
1 tbsp lemon juice (15 mL)
1 tbsp prepared horseradish (15 mL)
1 tsp SPLENDA® Granular (5 mL)
1/4 tsp hot chili powder (1 mL)

In small bowl, combine Mayonnaise, page 58, tomato paste, lemon juice, horseradish, SPLENDA® Granular and chili powder. Stir well.

Helpful Hints: Serve with a few shrimp and/or raw induction-style veggies.

Yield: 3/4 cup, 1 tsp per serving
22.5 calories; 0.1 g protein; 2.4 g fat; 0.3 g carbs

Splenda Look-A-Likes

admin — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:22:58 +0000

Do you remember Altern – Walmart’s Splenda brand – cheaper than Splenda? This same company, Heartland Sweeteners, is making Nevella (A Splenda knockoff), which comprises the granular form for baking and the small packets for sweetening beverages. No doubt its prices will be quite competitive with Splenda Granular. As I don’t live in the States, you’ll be able to verify this at the stores. Apparently, the Dollar Stores and Meijer’s carry this brand. Nevella also contains a probiotic. Can you imagine? Probiotics are useful (found in yogurt, kefir, buttermilk, etc.) and are great for keeping the digestive tract healthy.

They also have a Nevella brand without probiotics (as in the above picture). I was looking at the nutritional analysis of the granular for baking and was disappointed to see they stated less than 1 gram carbohydrate per tsp. That is less than useful information for carb counters. At least Splenda Granular states 0.5 grams per tsp. One can plug that into a nutritional program and work with that, or one can manually add up the carbohydrates. I think that is a big drawback, however, it does not surprise me at all. Companies often fudge things – if it is less than one gram for instance (could be 0.9 grams) of trans fats, the food product will say 0 grams of trans fats per serving. That is hardly true if one has more than the minimum serving, which is usually ridiculous anyway! It’s almost as if they think they can fool us. It’s like the Splenda Granular box saying it is a 0 calorie sweetener. That’s a lie, unfortunately, and at best, it is fudging things, because they’re allowed to, according to the FDA rules. I, for one, don’t appreciate that kind of fudging of the numbers.

Another reason this company is not sensitive to the needs of low-carbers, is that it is still stuck in the low-fat world, same as Johnson and Johnson, the company that distributes Splenda. Taking one look at the recipes told me that! What a shame! They should address more than the regular crowd, besides a product like Splenda and the look-a-likes are great for people with diabetes – why leave them out of the target market? Well, possibly because people with diabetes are told they can eat anything as long as they use medication and/or insulin to keep their blood sugars more normal. That’s really a band aid treatment in my opinion. Each time the blood sugar goes out of whack, it causes a little damage and then the band aid is needed afterwards. How about one prevents the situation in the first place with a low-carb diet? I’m getting off track here, and going off on a tangent. To me, the biggest oxymoron in the low-calorie sweetener world is combining Splenda and sugar – wow, now why in the world would I buy that? In any case, if I did want that, it would be cheaper to combine the two in my own kitchen!

Funny world we live in, hey?! Not funny, haha, but funny as in strange/weird!

Happy Low-Carbing
Jennifer

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FAST CHEESEBREAD

Ring in the New Year With Chocolate Chip Cookies

Happy New Year Everyone!

Peanut Butter Fudge for Christmas

Fruit Cocktail Cheesecake Squares

What Causes Cancer?

Christmas is the Season for giving

Future Diabetes Treatment?

Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake

Not A Diet But a Lifestyle – I’m Not Saying What You Are Thinking

Carbs in My Recipes

When Not to Use Erythritol

I watched the Julie and Julia Movie last night

Horseradish Shrimp Dip

Splenda Look-A-Likes